journal d'une transition

885

*25-10-1989, Auroville: This morning Selvam and I finished our section of the marble walls in the Chamber. Then what? He said he wanted to stick by me, to continue as a team; so we began to carry over to the workshop the slabs of marble that are meant for the floor of the Chamber, and we’ll set up the cutting work near there, at ground-level, and both Menaig and Yan intend to join us… … Ar. left with me a transcript of a conversation Satprem had a few years ago regarding Auroville; I have always resisted seeing the way as Truth versus the Enemy or vice-versa, and this is where I am unable to adhere to his expression of the Necessity, so far, even though he very often says exactly what I feel in many regards… But now I then I do wonder; I have, indeed, to wonder what actually happened for instance when I felt so concretely that I was being taught by the Force the very first steps into the Real, when I felt exactly like a baby led by the Hand, and then I slipped into these months of hell: what does it actually say, or show? But words are treacherous, and I must be more trusting of the perceiving that is given me, of its evolutive power, just as I must be more courageous and given… *26-10-1989, Auroville: Seeing the general atmosphere of tamas and dishonesty, I am faced with this imperative priority: either I basically work by myself and accept help when it is given but do not depend on it, or I find someone who is willing to commit to full- day work; there is so much to do, and so much dead weight to push out of the way, and so much to clarify and establish, at Matrimandir and all around it… I have to be well! *27-10-1989, Auroville: A nasty day for me… First off when I reached Matrimandir I fought with Selvam and made him leave me alone; I know I’m being unfair to him, but I need more clarity… And then Andy’s whole bunch, in their eagerness to find fault with me, found gleefully that one of the last rows of marble I had fixed had slightly fissured at the joints, the adhesive having somewhat loosened; they went at me then with an animosity and an intent quite poisonous that were completely out of proportion with the fact itself – which I actually cannot explain! I am certain I did nothing wrong, and Selvam and I applied the correct amount of glue, as we have done all along; the only explanation I can figure is that the drilling work Hans did may have caused the wall to vibrate and the adhesive to crack… *28-10-1989, Auroville: It was mentioned by Andy today that he’d talked to “the boys” and they – Dhanapal, Selvam and others – were planning to start a digging team; this came to me like a knife in the plexus: I saw that my upset with Selvam had merely pushed him in the wrong direction, to form another group, “the Tamil boys”…! So, he hadn’t understood anything…! And I saw too that the split between Selvam and me was food for the beast; the pain was too much…