journal d'une transition

884

According to him the witnesses haven’t said anything against him at the last appearance in Court…

*19-10-1989, Auroville: Selvam and I had another session. This was more serious. I can’t go on; it feels too much like a waste. I put the choice before him: either he makes a commitment to change his ways and to put some order into his life and gives it an orientation, and I’ll put energy into it and we’ll go through anything; or he doesn’t feel ready or willing or able, and we part; I’ll keep supporting him as much as I can but we won’t see each other more than occasionally; he asked for a couple of days to come up with a clear answer… *21-10-1989, Auroville: I need to move back into awareness and surrender, to feel again “what Thou willest”, to let That be… … I antagonised a few people at today’ meeting, by raising first the issue of SSJ’s cheque to Matrimandir, and then the issue of each one’s commitment to a minimum of 5 hours of daily work, as a precondition for organising the work; it didn’t make me more popular… *23-10-1989, Auroville: The only thing I know to be real is the Force. And it acts from within the reality of everything and every being… Earlier this year I had felt there might be the possibility of collaborating, simply by growing more aware, where I am, of the Force; that this awareness constituted the only action one could truly contribute… But then I slipped and went “down”, or away from it, into separateness; I became again, and worse than ever, caught up in the mesh of my own needs and longings for human fulfilment and response, for a home in life… … I have to accept that, psychologically, there is no clear-cut solution to this relationship with Selvam; I have somehow let him wield a power over me, over my own state and condition, and I have to work from that now… … I brought fruit and biddies to N in the jail and left a little money with a guard for his needs… *24-10-1989, Auroville: I worked all afternoon till evening in the Model room on the calculations for the steel-reinforcement of the Pillars extensions, while Catherine worked on drawings for the bottom Pond and walkways, and John H came and went, and I liked the concentration and the feeling of it… But walking back home I also walked back into the pain, the sorrow of being denied… *22-10-1989, Auroville: The weight of being – or of being human? – is crushing…!