journal d'une transition

886

*29-10-1989, Auroville: I had looked for Selvam since yesterday morning. Finally he came to me, at noon. I have been more aware in the last two days of a certain dimension to this relationship, which is like a work of Auroville, and I feared very much that I had botched it, by my impatience, or my self-interest, my own limited longings… We talked long. He can only say that he is struggling, that part of him wants to grow and part of him refuses, on and on all the time, but that he wants us to continue together… … Yesterday Su received Krishna’s visit; he came to tell her, and through her to let me know, that he has decided to leave – the outer reason being that he hasn’t been able to have his passport renewed… *30-10-1989, Auroville: This morning at 6 Selvam, Gajendran, Kanyappan and Dhanapal started digging for the foundations of the South Pillar extension. They went on till tea-break and, later, we all carried the last of the Italian marble from the amphitheatre underground storage to the Chamber. Selvam came here for lunch, and again in the afternoon, tired but happy… I am trying to make them see the need for balance – not just a rush, a blaze, and a collapse…! *31-10-1989, Auroville: Most of today I have been cutting marble. I tried to arrange a small work-meeting this afternoon, regarding Visitors’ regulation – access to the Gardens, Information, infrastructure, etc – and I got agreement to my proposals from Bhaga, John H, Ramalingam and Surya, but Luigi didn’t come, even though we had fixed the time to suit him… *5-11-1989, Auroville: A distance, and an element of distrust on my part, has been growing over the past week, between Selvam and me. He appears not to care much, and he’s been trying to act as a leader of this new team, but was so clumsy about it that John H had to ask him yesterday to cool off, and I said nothing… He hasn’t been straight with me on anything lately, and I wonder, and blame myself for having perhaps indulged into the projection of my own dream. Yet the pain and the sorrow remain and I miss the friendship, the melting of barriers; it makes me most unhappy to be forced back into “the white race”: it is stifling me…

*6-11-1989, Auroville: Nothing to say; I am just relying on work, physical work, all day.

There is no progress in “me”, no progress in Selvam, no progress that I can see at Matrimandir either, or in Auroville… But I feel a little more able to stand away from the pain; I guess I have loved, and failed… … I don’t know where it is that I come from – where it is profoundly natural to be the way I am… But for sure it isn’t here! Here everything seems to be upside down, artificial and rigid, and so awfully dumb…!