journal d'une transition

879

*23-9-1989, Auroville: Last night was terrible. I woke just after 3 am to find myself on the edge of a huge grey hole, with no body, and nowhere to be. It lasted hours. I struggled to chase off the thoughts; but it is relentless; it is binding; there is no way out; I must stick by him… I cannot step away! It is only when I accepted it, and that I should have to go back to him in the morning, and give in, that it quietened and I could rest a while… … I spent only two hours with him at work, and the rest of the time today was calm, with a sort of inner distance… I stayed on to attend the meeting at Matrimandir: the Council has proposed to take over the decision-making for some time, starting immediately; on that basis we went through all the pending matters. At the end I spoke out what I had written to correct Karel’s version of things and to affirm support and solidarity. Judith’s presence as member of the Council, her strength and rooted good sense, is very useful at this point, and she embodies the very energy I was asking for in the months past, and most people now see what I had meant… … I cooked dinner here for Selvam and me. He is well cornered. His wife is on a dramatic track, threatening to kill herself; Mary, prodded by her mother, demands to see him every day… He asks me now to help him to go away – to find some work for him abroad, to help him “disappear” for a couple of years…! *24-9-1989, Auroville: I couldn’t hide from Su some of my distress. She’s been very good to me. Increasingly, over the past weeks, I have quietly opened to the gift of her being and sincerity. Perhaps it is this explosion with Selvam that is opening me, at what is called a “personal level”; with Su it is calm, and secure and steady; while with Selvam it is a turmoil and a struggle and a series of precipices and narrow passes and terrible longings and moments of happiness such as I have never known, with a sense of extension, of infinite tenderness… … I went down to the beach this morning, to try and make Selvam understand what he must do to defuse and neutralize the drama now: that he must explain to Mary that they cannot see each other for some time… *30-9-1989, Auroville: I spent nearly two full days lying down at home, helpless. I considered leaving Auroville, admitting to not enough sincerity and to a full halt in the possibility of progress… I went through the scale: I felt deep revolt at this narrow reality of man that divides the being and its movements and teases suppression and conflict within oneself, instead of seeking, and trusting the unity that alone will heal and create… I couldn’t see any way, or any sense, other than shutting myself away, and shutting back in what I have let open through Selvam… Then I hit at my own self- pity…

*2-10-1989, Auroville: The weather is sweet; the bushes are flowering again, this place is renewing itself, returning to life…