journal d'une transition

878

*19-9-1989, Auroville: At the end of the morning work Selvam asked me whether I would come down to the beach this evening; I said there wasn’t much point anymore, and I was trying to withdraw enough so he could have all the time he needed to make his life the way he wants it without any pressure from me; he didn’t like it and said he didn’t want me to move away… It is all rather silly of me; I have to accept that nothing will be resolved by a mere mental effort, and that I must work through the very life of my attachment to him… A while later, of his own decision, he came to find me here; I was resting… We had lunch together, then; he doesn’t really know what he wants; he is starving for love, mostly, for support and affection and closeness… And he has no idea how to cope with the conflicts that rise up in his life… But who does? Not me! I am learning everything from scratch; it is crazy! … We had a wonderful evening at the beach, once the drama with his wife - who first brought him the kids, then came back to retrieve them, not daring to make too much of a scene in my presence - was over. Around 8 pm we went for a swim and something beautiful and mysterious happened: the sea behaved in a way I had never seen; there was a milk-white light in the water; as we moved in it, each of our movement would give rise to that wonderful light, so deep and vivid and rich and, from it, fused golden sparks like tiny stars all over us; we were just rich with it all and so grateful and we couldn’t stop playing with it, and felt freer than we’ve ever felt to be close to one another… I cycled back well after 10 pm… *21-9-1989, Auroville: Selvam told me again that he intends to meet with Mary’s parents and bring her to live with him at the beach. He also wants to have a German shepherd dog to guard the place there! I know well where he is heading; he will soon recreate a situation around him that will stifle him anew, with the addition of double the worries and double the charges. I tell him that, but it is of no use… *22-9-1989, Auroville: I made one last attempt to let Selvam see the choice in front of him. To go and bury himself into more cares and more worries, or to strive to establish his own individual space and atmosphere and from that basis develop the relationships that will matter to him most… He had already arranged that we would have lunch in town with Mary, whom I had not met as yet. So I watched and I saw what was between them; she is sweet and quiet and very pretty and mannered and she thrives on him; but she isn’t awake! I don’t know why I have to go on with all this, except that Selvam has somehow become like a part of me; we both seem to know that we are bound together in a way that can’t be “managed” or decided upon… But I also know that it needs to make sense on the way…! I see that, with me, he grows and develops, emerges and becomes; but these pulls and these conditionings are so ingrained, and he has no formed mind to deal with it all; it is left to his heart alone, to something deep in him that cares and yearns and seeks…