journal d'une transition

880

*4-10-1989, Auroville: This morning when I woke up, got up and started the day, I felt enormously relieved. It wasn’t a dramatic change, but a remarkable clearing-up: I was back in my own consciousness, and lid-less, free from the confinement under that lid, the suffocation I have been experiencing ever since I got bound to Selvam… I was free again to move within my own awareness, to reach up, to reach out, to stay quiet, to look at anything… And there was the sweet and discreet tingle and tinkle, nearby, of gratitude returned… … This last wall in the Chamber is very difficult: nothing matches and I can’t get it right; of course it probably doesn’t show, and I only know that it is much less perfect than the other 5 walls I have done, but it worries me…

*5-10-1989, Auroville: Things have slowed down at Matrimandir; tools are missing, machines break down, there are power cuts and the generator is out of order…

*6-10-1989, Auroville: I have had such a rotten 6 months’ nightmare that I am surprised I am still in one piece…!

*7-10-1989, Auroville: This was a proper, decent, “nice” meeting: I just wanted to scream! All reasonable and polished, I don’t know, it’s like being in the midst of sleep-walkers! And this afternoon wasn’t much easier: this heavy and clumsy inadequacy, this separateness, like a weight, to be a lump of substance that cannot give…! There was a strange incident: as I walked up the earth ramp at the end of the day at Matrimandir, a woman on a cycle called out to me, asking whether I knew “Divakar” and could I give him a letter… When I said I was Divakar, she looked surprised, then happy; she is visiting India and has known about You and Auroville for about 10 years; she is a drug-addict, in that loving, gaping, folk way; she is very damaged physically, but has these most wonderful big deep liquid eyes; she has been a close friend of A.F and O both, two women who have been important in my “early life”; she says that A.F killed herself 10 years ago, but that O is still alive… I invited her to visit with me tomorrow…

*8-10-1989, Auroville: This woman, Mathé, spent the entire afternoon here with me; she is very interesting and open, and she obviously has been in contact with something of You…

*9-10-1989, Auroville: I feel a little withdrawn from what goes on at Matrimandir, like I don’t want to be involved… But I feel too removed from too many things, while not being able to align to That either… … I received a long, laborious letter from N, written for him in the jail by someone there who knows some French, asking me not to forget him, not to abandon his children, and to come and see him there…