journal d'une transition

877

Now there are two simultaneous “needs” in me: one is to be united again, as You had shown me, and let That do the work, in complete surrender and adhesion… The other is to reach with Selvam a place of realisation, a place of secure, mutual giving and sharing. These are two intense, absorbing needs. Around that, or between, there is a range of perceptions or impressions and questions, about ageing, about time, and about my ability to last, to endure until the way clears… I worked alone this morning, and attended the meeting after tea-break, another explosive meeting, with Edzart, Lorenzo and Karel on one side and Arjun and Stuart on the other, over issues of payments for research, of quorum, etc, and they nearly came to a physical fight. This afternoon, in retaliation, Arjun and Stuart sent off a telegram to Piero in Italy telling him not to spend the money there, or it would be at his own risks, as there had been no quorum at the meeting to take the decision. This was quite close to lying, and I felt a sense of loss… … I joined Selvam at the beach house in the evening; we washed out the walls and ceilings; he made us some dinner and we had a quiet time till after 10 pm, and I felt that he was opening on his own to the possibility of a physical expression of our bond; but, however tempted I was, I also felt this wasn’t the time yet; there isn’t enough stability yet to make it beautiful and part of us… What is the hardest for me to bear is his confusion, his lack of direction, his wanting everything at the same time and making no consistent choices… *18-9-1989, Auroville: A sort of peace came over me today. At first it was mixed with sadness; then it was peace, only peace, deepening. There was all the ugly disharmony between people at Matrimandir; there was Su’s upset at parting from Shera; there was Selvam’s personal mess… His wife, as was to be expected, has now found out about Mary, his girl-friend from Pondy, and has made a huge scene and is now bent on involving as many people as she can; meanwhile, their little son is sick… It looked to me that was it, there would be no room for “us” in this confusion: what he wants is to take Mary with him to the beach house, even though he is a little scared of what people, goaded by his wife, might do to her; so it seems I had better withdraw. He wants me to stay around, as he never had a friend like this, but… I don’t know! And at Matrimandir it is very tight; Karel has written a formal letter to everyone around, to the Council and to the Task Force and to people at work, down on Arjun, a letter that pretends to be “objective” but strikingly, and conveniently, omits a number of facts; I tried to let Arjun see that his sending of that telegram had been a mistake; he reacted poorly at first; but this afternoon we had a long and quiet talk, and he paid more attention. I think he has also begun to see that the issue of the design is causing division and must indeed be reconsidered. However, in the matter of ethics and basic principles, his stand has been consistent, except for these two recent “mistakes”: trying to get Karel alone to sign a cheque for the study of the design for the “skin” and, later, sending off that telegram to Piero in the name of the meeting… I am thinking of writing to the Council to rectify or correct the version of the facts as provided by Karel, to restore some balance; but will it help?