journal d'une transition

864

*19-7-1989, Auroville: “I want no ego”…! But to say that, is to think that, and ego is there…!

Yet Your Pressure is Your Grace, and its is active; how to be honest at all times, how to be so honest that ego has no longer any room, and the One may begin to fill life and body…? However difficult it may sometimes be, it is only fair and necessary that Your Pressure must act to the maximum one can bear; there is no other way…

*20-7-1989, Auroville: We are told that the members of the Council will join our Saturday meeting at Matrimandir, supposedly so as to “help raise the level”…! I can’t understand this obtuseness, this lack of response and commitment to Your Gift. What people here call “the process”, and enjoy so much it seems, is so uninteresting and uncreative; it is such a tamasic waste…

*21-7-1989, Auroville: It is a small but efficient torture: to be with Selvam is to be happy and fulfilled in a way I have never been; to part from him without the assurance that we both want to be together again as soon as possible, is absurdly and terribly painful…!

*22-7-1989, Auroville: We went through this meeting in the presence of the Council, 9 members, and at the end of it, there was the sense of a possible step we would all be willing to take. I have been feeling a change towards people, as if I could meet more substance, by Your Grace, and it makes one grateful and willing to let go and make room and let That be… … Selvam was waiting for me at the beach, open and straight and very gentle; I told him very simply how I felt; later I needed to explain to him, with the help of a drawing, what Your work is about… Time went so fast; there are moments I could cry, and others when we laugh, or talk, or hold each other quietly; he is trusting and he also has a kind of maturity about him: sometimes I find that he is more centred about the integrity of our relationship than I am… *23-7-1989, Auroville: Another episode in N’s drama: his wife came, in tears, a moment ago, telling me such a confused story - and I could only understand half of it – that I sent for Janah to come and help translate; it appears that the police came to arrest N again yesterday; whether it was because he didn’t show up in time for his trial, or because the judgement has been passed and a sentence given, is not clear; but he’s been taken to the Gorimedu Station, where he surely must have been beaten up, which on top of the filarial is bound to hurt a lot… I don’t know which way to go: to give up on him, or to just keep quiet and wait it out, or else to try again and pull him out of it; the problem is that I can’t say his life has improved in any marked way since he is with me… … This evening Su gave way finally to her resentment at my relationship with Selvam, when she already finds me an unwilling companion… Later when she realised how affected I’d been by our talk, she understood that she’d been driven by her own ego and that there was in fact no call to worry or fear any loss and there need be no change in the relationship we have…