journal d'une transition

863

A while later Su who had gone to work in the office sent Kumar to tell me that Piero had arrived. So at about 10.30 am, Selvam and I want back to work in the Chamber; both teams were present, and the work was resumed. The Council has now decided to indeed form a group; the names of its members will be communicated soon. … Su has been under a lot of strain; she is wondering whether she was ill-inspired to volunteer for that secretarial work at Matrimandir. She has been crying a lot, but also been very courageous… *15-7-1989, Auroville: The announcement came of Mauna’s return to “her” work. The point was made, though, finally, that she must first conclude her series of contrary declarations by making a proper statement of her commitment and intentions; and that she must then collaborate with Su and not seek to be the “boss”… The Council sent Janet and Allan to tell us that the final composition of the “Commission” formed to assist us in the organisation of the work will be communicated to us on Monday and that its members would start working right away… *16-7-1989, Auroville: Last night I ran down to the beach and to Selvam’s house. He’d spent the afternoon cleaning up, and it was all much clearer. We went to swim; we made coffee; a village delegation came to meet him, and I just watched. Then he had to run an errand in town and I waited or him, reading “The Human Cycle”; he soon returned, with dinner. He drove me back here around 10 pm… It is an intense experience given me, through this relationship; it is at once a torture and a delight. It is as if all my longings and seekings, in terms of relationships, have collected for a last time, to be offered… In his presence I feel happier than I’ve ever felt; in his absence I feel deprived… At times, watching him move, deal with things and people, I am so very fond of him; and at other times, I must shake him up, to bring him back to a centre and an axis… *17-7-1989, Auroville: I became very tense this morning. I didn’t at all like the atmosphere: Mauna came back to work, and her first, free movement was to bluntly dismiss Su. Perhaps someone talked to her then; a little later she came back to offer Su some “simpler job”, along with Grace, adding that she would not have chosen her for help… And this was somewhat worse. I could do nothing about it; the play is such that, should I make one move and all the formations would pounce to show that I am trying to influence the situation… And besides, ever since Su volunteered for this I have felt ill at ease, on her account and for her sake; so today, at noon, I talked to her quietly and suggested that she better pulls out, without a word, and concentrate on other things and be happy again: this arena isn’t for her… It was quite sickening to watch Piero’s group behave, all up and going… … Selvam and I are slowly learning to find our way into this “us” that has happened; this evening, up until dark, we planted seedlings along his fence at the beach; we then had a swim, with a moon nearly full already up above the sea… The Pressure is always with me and there are no words to say the gratitude and the security it gives…