journal d'une transition

865

*24-7-1989, Auroville: This morning I felt sullied, and quite uneasy with Su; I had to tell her that, through her reactions, I had felt exposed to small ignorant values and, for the first time, felt a little wary of her… She said that she’d been feeling very sorry and only asked me to give her the time she needed to adjust. But there was sadness in me, because I had not wanted to speak of Selvam with anyone, or to expose “us” to anyone else’s mind… *26-7-1989, Auroville: Last night, between many awakenings, I had a rare kind of experience: I had gone through the process of dying, united with D.M; and, before reaching “there” we, as one, made our way back through another process of concentrated healing, out of which we were two again and she was no longer crippled, and we escaped that prison cell where we had been taken in and killed – our throats had been cut, after a powerful drug had been administered to each of us: and it also felt like it had been a sort of initiation… Then we were free and running and I was crying tears of joy and tenderness at seeing her whole, every limb awake and released, and she was so lovely… At one point, though, she was no more the same physical person, but a tall, eccentric, wonderful negro woman, very close to me… *27-7-1989, Auroville: Right now I could almost say that I am ready to go anywhere as long as I am with Selvam… It is like saying, “what is the use of striving, of learning to open, of trying to pass into a truer condition, if one is companionless, if one has no friend and no ‘love’… And so I go through the stages and motions of this tyranny, and it’s alright because the Pressure remains with me, and my need of it perhaps grows even more alive: That will make the way and find its true place for this “love”; I only have to endure… This evening, listening to Your Agenda while doing the asanas, I relaxed into this inner ecstasy of willingly opening and yearning, and I saw that perhaps what is particularly relevant in this exercise I am being put through, with Selvam, is that it has unlocked and released an emotional degree which only now may learn too to unite and to join in the flow… But there are many aspects to this meeting, and they all matter, they all are right, and part of the way… *28-7-1989, Auroville: Shano came while I was weaving. Later I made dinner for Selvam and I and he came in, bruised and beaming and spent from his game of “kabbadi”; and then Pnina and Avi came and Selvam left… I have nothing to say, nothing to show, but I was glad to see both of them, and I like Avi; and later Su joined in, and it was altogether different again… Pnina and Avi left and, in the dark outside the house, while hugging each other farewell, Avi slipped something in my hand: “for you”, he said; a small snake ring which he’d been wearing… It touched me…

*29-7-1989, Auroville: We have had increasing trouble with this Mukunder who has cracked. Today, after the meeting, which was fastidious but came out alright, I saw that Dhanapal and Raman were still bent on sending him, under Selvam’s escort, to an asylum, quite