journal d'une transition

862

Shano came this morning; he wanted money to buy himself some clothes: he turns to me like to a second family, and he does it like a child would, demanding it in a sort of pure uninhibited way, and it’s alright, he doesn’t take advantage of it… … According to Myrtle, Ed and Mauna have been pressing on Piero so that he wouldn’t return to work unless something is done “about Arjun”… I hope they do not succeed. But I may well miss the point here, and my view is surely minuscule…! Whatever forms the resistance takes I must trust the Pressure on us all… But I am not able to comprehend how progress can occur from disharmony. I keep feeling, in spite of everything, that one can make no real and lasting step unless it is made from the basis of the maximal harmony that can be reached at the time… *11-7-1989, Auroville: At tea-break this morning Giovanni proposed the draft of a statement we could all sign and send to the Council, formally asking them to form a group to look into all the areas of work at Matrimandir. It was vague and clumsy and fairly superficial and, as it made mention of both Mauna’s and Piero’s withdrawal, it was surely ten rungs below the proposal I have made. But it seems clear that this is where we are at, collectively, and conflict seems to be a necessity in order to shake off some of the tamas. So I signed it, as did everyone else present except, predictably, Arjun and Stuart. But in the afternoon I realised that Arjun may have felt let down and hurt by my signing; I went to him. We sat and talked quietly; I told him why I had signed, and thought that he too ought to sign; he disagreed but at least we each honoured our friendship and parted with affection. Soon after that I had to check on the work at Janet’s and I found Piero there! So I went and talked, or tried to talk with him… I don’t know, he is so… off-balance, somehow; but he’s managed to gather all his conviction in his present, untenable stance… What can happen? In the meantime Mauna is pursuing her own fixed ambitions; she even wrote to Su that she is hoping to come back and therefore that Su’s usefulness there is only temporary… It is all very low, each one weaving dishonesty with high feelings and principles… *12-7-1989, Auroville: I got angry. In Piero’s continued absence we cannot actually fix the marble slabs in place – we could, but too many of us would rather wait for him and it doesn’t feel right to push ahead. And I am dependent on others to be also on time and to concentrate so we can at least select the next rows and lift the slabs onto the scaffold… And there it got me: I blew at Selvam and Menaig, fed up with dragging them on. I wanted to cry, then. I left. … This evening Selvam sent me a message that he was sorry. I have taken a good look at this whole situation. It is beyond me. There is too large a play of forces and too little sincerity in us. I regretted my movement, it was a weak yielding to that play; it was an ego reaction, even if in reaction to laziness and sloppiness. It wasn’t called for.

*13-7-1989, Auroville: Selvam came and had breakfast here.