journal d'une transition

851

*31-5-1989, Auroville: I am developing an attachment to Selvam; I can’t help letting rise again a longing for the sort of friendship that I have been missing over the years, something at once physical and inner, a mutual giving and fulfilling that wouldn’t be exclusive because it would know itself and be sure of itself… I haven’t been actually looking for it; it just came: Selvam came to me. Perhaps for him it is only a sort of extended security, the sense of being appreciated and welcome; perhaps it is more: I am not sure. But I tend to trust him. … I want to merge into that condition where I have found Your gift of oneness. I want that and yet, again and again, those parts of “me” that are still attracted to human fulfilment get triggered, called upon, and then it is “I” again, and a divided, hesitant, unsure oscillation…

*Poem:

“Fold upon fold, State upon state upon state, Stepping up and down towards A rounded infinity Whose centre

Whirls and breathes In perfect eternity”

*1-6-1989, Auroville: Last night, during our watch, Su brought me documents just received from France regarding the break between Auroville and the French Association, in the wake of “Mira Aditi”’s recent departure from here; the “official” document states their change of purpose and name to “Agenda International France”, and listing their reasons for doing so. Another document has been made by a woman who has been kept away from this move and could only attend the last “assembly” and, along with a few others such as D.D and Klara, tried to object. Agreeing with the move, alas, were all those who have recently left Auroville, including G.M, Ulrich and Eliane, etc. According to them, Auroville is “finished”; it has lost any significance; the Agenda has been rejected by Auroville and therefore they, who want the Truth and are following Satprem’s and Sujata’s guidance must also turn away from Auroville and consecrate themselves to the real work… And so on and on… I find it all at once comical and gross and frightening and bewildering, and very petty… *3-6-1989, Auroville: There was a very long session this morning, which was taken up by two questions: one, whether Matrimandir will try and join the “new” economic organisation in Auroville; and two, a detailed and punctilious review of all the “rules and regulations” of our meetings and of all financial operations… It ended well after 1 pm and then Luigi wanted to talk to me about the work-situation, and I had to rush back here to get into the taxi to accompany Ar. to the airport… She was quiet, but apprehensive and not too happy to go – her mother has invited her for the summer