journal d'une transition

852

-, but perhaps seeing this journey as providing a helpful distance; I kept her laughing, though, and it was simple, and without fuss…

*6-6-1989, Auroville: I cycled down to the beach this evening under a dark stormy sky and walked there, by the quiet vivid sea, and it was almost there; I was almost absorbed again in that one centring; but the human longing was hovering still, expectant: the persisting enslavement to the attraction born from the separation… On my way back G.G caught up with me and told me the news: the Chinese army killing thousands of students, with tanks and guns, on the orders of that tiny old monster who still wields such incredible power… And I thought of stupid Rajeev Gandhi who keeps missing every right turn and has opened India’s flanks even wider to the danger that China still represents (it is mean and almost inhuman, and can strike terrible blows)… *7-6-1989, Auroville: This morning in the Chamber was somehow especially sweet; Selvam came earlier than usual and stayed the whole time and I am happy with both him and Narayana, whom I appreciate more and more as our years in Auroville pass… Also, Mauna has quietly circulated my paper and, later, at the end of our shift, Piero came up to me, almost like a child, sober and rather subdued, wanting me to understand how Roger A has along been the one to blame (!) and those, such as G.M, who have agitated on his behalf; Piero didn’t deny, however, that we may now need a fresh approach, from a different perspective… But I find that he has become very defeatist, and attaches far too much importance to committed wrongs and hurts… he too needs a push and a lift…! … Tonight during my watch, Narayana talked to me a long time about the “torture” he has suffered under Arjun… and of his own efforts at sadhana… Am I capable of being an instrument for a renewal of energies there? I don’t know. Narayana said that he’d liked my open letter very much and was in full support of my proposal, but… will You show me, step by step, moment by moment? *8-6-1989, Auroville: I have the impression of standing on a border. It is not precise, nor quite positive: it is mostly a blank. In ordinary terms, I am being processed through this encounter with Selvam, in the sense that my own private store of emotional involvement, or what’s left of it, is activated, and I am shy and uncertain about it. The hours we spend working together are sweet. And yet, as today, when he has to leave early and I remain alone at work, there is at once a relief, an immediate clearing, and I am in contact again… *11-6-1989, Auroville: Two Indian engineers came today to meet with us, who have offered to make studies for both the 4 pillars extensions and the structures of the 12 large petals around the sphere (as per Roger A’s design). They have figured their best, but Roger’s concept is like a magnet for complications; it is such an unsound proposition that I cannot understand how anyone can still support it (such as Luigi or Arjun, for instance); at best it implies such a large uncertainty; there can be no