journal d'une transition

832

*28-2-1989, Auroville: Su and I walked over to the amphitheatre before dawn, for the Fire. The atmosphere was better than usual – the Fire burnt high and clear and there was enough quiet and intent to be able to concentrate for nearly an hour… Lots of people from the Ashram were also there. … Later I tried to attend the general meeting that had been called in response to a new proposal on a method towards achieving an economy within Auroville more compatible with its aims and purposes… Words! But I’d felt that the mere trying could open doors again, and I had prepared an envelope with my contribution… So I went. The group that has put up the proposal was there and hardly anyone else! And soon their spokesman mentioned their having met a number of times in… “Aurelec”: at that my unease increased; I felt I was among old people, old inside, and that information sort of resolved the picture… I left right away, with the money! I cycled back home, sort of stunned… … My work here seems to be over; I finished the new bench; the pruning is all done; the house is all in order… Mother? *1-3-1989, Auroville: I must use my separate will in order to make it through the day. I haven’t felt that way – this sort of crushing wave – for a long time! If I yield to the negativity of it, it becomes, as I remember from previous such periods, quite unbearable and one then wants to scream and howl… There is nothing specific, no particular conflict within or without: it is just, I guess, a sort of tunnel, or a gap, or a passage through some antagonism…? I don’t know. In those moments the progress one has made is measured by a tiny difference – a millimetre of freedom away from the pit, or a minute breath of air that takes away just enough off the power of this black hole… Externally I managed to do some garden work through the afternoon, till I became aware that the first symptoms of a cold were already asserting themselves, masked under some sort of idiotic, tamasic acceptance of a stretch of disharmony, and I realised I must react; I did a long session of asanas then, listening to Your Agenda. Now there’s status quo! I look back onto a number of weeks, recently, when I was experiencing a state of grace; somehow I seem to have learnt that there is no true reason why it shouldn’t remain, and grow; but I haven’t yet learnt not to let the veils interfere again…! *2-3-1989, Auroville: I find our condition here rather bewildering. But I seem to sense, through or despite the dishonesty, the contradictions and the many different forms of betrayal, a call or a sign, as if coming from a consciousness where perhaps it becomes impossible to react, or to be affected by any movement arising from our unchanged humanity, and yet where one is also aware at all times of the true reality of each individual person as part of the One. But the transition is so awkward and uneasy and uncertain… … I got involved this morning with the moving in of this French couple, Guy and Tina, who haven’t signed the statement of “no ownership”; I found the guy to be a sort of escapist, secure in the falsity of the present social Auroville, crooked of words and arguments… … Went back and forth between Janet’s and Ramalingam, to see with him about the structural elements for her new house and the materials for it; I have sort of