journal d'une transition

833

accepted that, this being the only activity that has been indicated to me lately, I’d better get on with it… So I am making the sketches and calculations… … There is this sense that, whatever and however, the Guidance is sovereign and contains all, and nothing that happens can ever be outside of It – can be anything else, in truth, than an expression of It… *3-3-1989, Auroville: I seem to have made a big fool of myself, as it appears that, technically, those two people, Guy and Tina, had already signed a statement of “no ownership” when they signed the first admission sheet at the time they were accepted as newcomers; only they hadn’t remembered it, or not paid attention to it; and it seems that nowadays, when one is later accepted as an “Aurovilian”, one doesn’t have to confirm such commitments, that once is enough… I had to withdraw my objection, and Su was quite embarrassed for having misled me… Yet, in retrospect, I still have the same feeling, that these people do not care and it isn’t right for them to move in… … But I am also sorry to have made such a wind; even though I haven’t been aware of any unease when I raised the issue, I am not proud of stirring the air; there’s enough turbulence as it is! Oh please, I realise more and more how much I want to feel, to think, to move, to sense, to “know” only, exclusively, what You want me to; and how anything else, short of that, is hollow, sterile and vain… *4-3-1989, Auroville: I have started to spend some time every day at Matrimandir, on my way to or from Janet’s; and it’s like a bit of vacation, just being around people there, and it’s also interesting to find out how much awareness can remain while interfacing, mingling externally; I generally have to talk more these days, if only at Janet’s, as she is very talkative; and I still feel somewhat at home at Matrimandir, at least with those who are involved in its daily work… I am feeling much quieter, much less affected than I’d expected, after last night’ incident. P had thrown a “party” for Dayini’s birthday; and a party today in Auroville means as much racket as one can afford, with the help of this loud, repetitive, dumb contemporary music (pop or disco I don’t know, I’ve lost track) to which is added the restless noise of about 20 motor-cycles and the near-constant shouting of the thick, poor and callous exhibition of “fun”, the kind of joyousness that makes me shrink and recoil from human race… And all this carries out for miles around in the quiet night of Auroville… Till 11 pm I held myself in check, reasoning that it couldn’t possibly last much longer; but the whole show was so devouring of the atmosphere, it reached right where I was like a violation, the violence of sound, as a terribly clear sign of how Auroville is being misused and Your Gift being wasted… And I don’t know where I’d go if I had to leave this place, if Auroville became just an ordinary failure… This became unbearable and I started crying; then I realised that, instead of letting it cornering me into a pocket of despair, I could stand for the objectivity of the Gift… I went down and over to Patrick’s and asked him to please *5-3-1989, Auroville: Rad has just finished loading and carrying away his pile of bricks; so, I find that my duty to him is now done.