journal d'une transition

831

difference in terms of harmony here and around us, receptive and creative harmony… Even though I do not want to give importance to the present movements, they still show that there’s no real change; and that bothers me: time is passing!

*23-2-1989, Auroville: This morning I was unaccountably tired and hazy, and feeling invaded. At times the delicate equilibrium between our purpose here and the daily grind of the village life around us gets strained, and I day-dream about closing this place down and doing all the work myself (which wouldn’t be right); the weight of this pulling multitude of needs can come in waves sometimes, and also act as a very subtle deformation… *25-2-1989, Auroville: The weather is greying, heavier, as if collecting rain. I’ve been fighting depression all day: Shankar and Uma have left at dawn, left Auroville, gone away. I am sad about it. Not that I didn’t disagree with their pretence and attitude; what makes me sad in such moments is that it seems there isn’t anymore an active Force of Change in Auroville – and without It there would be no purpose whatsoever in this place… G.M has gone; Shankar has now gone, others have also gone; Krishna is repeating old patterns; nothing ever seems to move into another condition, truer, new, unknown… Meanwhile, more and more people come to Auroville and stay, for reasons I do not comprehend, and relate to one another in ways that make no sense to me… … N was sick this morning, with fever, cough and headache, and slept it off in the store-room; and after lunch he came to me and we met, quietly. I had needed it. … I don’t know how to progress, Mother, if the Force isn’t doing it; I can only push, with a nameless need for That to exist, instead of “me”, instead of this… *26-2-1989, Auroville: Last night performance at Bharat Nivas was wonderful, perfect, and I nearly cried when the troupe came back onstage to salute; there was a large crowd attending, with people from Pondy and Madras and there was even a Catholic nun! Chandralekha’s work made everyone happy. … Without the awareness of the Pressure, it all seems to be at a standstill. I may have glimpses of a more conscious condition, but the fact remains of a bare waiting in the physical consciousness – waiting for It to act, to flow. And most of the waiting is made up of maintenance: of the body, as of the surroundings; this is about the only responsibility I feel is “mine”, in the sense of accepting to be still separate… *27-2-1989, Auroville: Ar. came to bring me the mail and a telegram, which she had already opened and shown to Krishna, from C, announcing that he need not move, that it is all settled and his papers will be waiting for him at the Embassy in Delhi… Brave C! There was also a letter from her with some puzzling news: it seems that R’s new-found son has been diagnosed with AIDS – with R himself being involved in the research work…