journal d'une transition

817

move, but it is full of gaps, and it brings no fulfilment, no peace and no certitude… It only moves!

*16-12-1988, Auroville: It seems that, for some reason, we’ll get 6 Russians and 2 Indians at “Ravena” instead of US students, and oddly I am happier this way…! Ar. came to help me mornings and afternoons and she got into the rhythm of it, and we also did all the dyeing of all the covers at home, and she accepted Su’s help for the ironing, and the tension has much lessened… *17-12-1988, Auroville: I am aware of the mistakes I have made at “Ravena”, acutely so; but it still feels like a beautiful, good and unique place; it is to me full of Your Grace and a song of Your Harmony. I am glad for D.M and Janaka that this has been accomplished… I now need to find how to place it rightly at Your feet, deliver it into Your care… *18-12-1988, Auroville: There is some tension for me with Larry, the way he goes about things – shallow and utilitarian, grey and confused; it makes me sad that there isn’t a wider space in which to make this offering, and that it is rushed and swallowed and used, when it is so rich with Your Grace… I have to trust, and cling to that trust. This is a tiny, minuscule detail under the stars, I know; but what is turned to You is by nature wide and eternal… I know for myself that as long as I am not whole and unified in the Force, my responses will remain personal: too limited and too weak, incapable of living, direct and tangible reliance… Therefore I can only learn and progress towards that condition, and not complain…! *19-12-1988, Auroville: There are problems either in my quitting or my remaining; Kasinathan came to me here this evening, crying: besides having lost his money, he said he doesn’t want to go on living if I am no longer “in-charge”… This is of course mostly drama, but there is something genuine to it, and this gives me a sort of responsibility towards the workmen there; Larry is such a dumb and piggy fellow, but he is also a sweet kid… Show me, please, how to move out in harmony…! *20-12-1988, Auroville: I started the day by speaking up to Larry frankly. And he chose to adjust and correct his drive; he saw it was needed. But it is only this afternoon, when P.C visited “Ravena” and had there a very striking and profound experience – I saw how much he’d been moved when I met him on the upper terrace – that Larry really turned, and the rest of the day was happy, and I could even make him acknowledge how scattered and messy he tends to be and he could take it with good humour… And so it now feels that I’ll be able to wind up harmoniously, with regards to “Ravena” itself as to the workmen, and help the transition… Theo and Yaap have been helping too, gently…