journal d'une transition

816

… Perceptions come and go; or, rather, they come, they rise, they join and feed the flame of Presence… It is gratitude and safety, it is endless becoming…

*6-12-1988, Auroville: Su and I spent the entire day in town; I had to place orders for much of the furnishing items for “Ravena”, such as rolling mats, cushions and bolsters and mattresses and cloth, etc; I’m trying to complete this place right, down to the last detail, but I somehow get a little confused in the planning of it, as I have only 15 days left and the money came so late, and I don’t know yet whether I must then withdraw from the scene altogether or remain there as a sort of caretaker for the time being… You have to show me what’s next for me… … I try to rely on the experience You are giving me, but today I had to cope with those small mental movements of, in effect, resistance: movements of doubt, mostly (how can this last? It will drop me again, it is too good to be true, I won’t be able to hold it… the dumb ordinary denial)… Yet, by the centring of the Presence, I begin to understand a little, not with thoughts or feelings, not even with intuition, but with consciousness, to understand the Real, and the way, the process… And all the rest, all of our movements, everything we seem to be, is part of the clamour of emptiness – “la clameur du vide”… *7-12-1988, Auroville: I am still confused, about “Ravena”; there is the formation that I simply have a problem of attachment: but it feels unfair to me, because I know I can move out and away in a minute and it will be done; there may be an attachment to a rhythm, and to a type of work-environment, or to the possibility of being useful somewhere, and creative; but I trust that I can find harmony again, whatever will be the next thing. It is rather that I do not know clearly, before You, to which extent I must care, or cease to care for the place, for its quality and its purity… This morning Larry came there, accompanied by Gordon and Jean and David; it is obvious to me that Larry isn’t the right person to look after “Ravena”; yet he behaves as if it is all his! It seems to me that, would the right person be there, I would feel none of this confusion… *8-12-1988, Auroville: I have still this anxiety, this apprehension that Your gift will not remain. The longer it stays and the more precious it becomes, and the more creative, as it makes the way so concrete and so clear, and so simple; the element of the necessity of personal effort and collaboration becomes itself a joy, just as when a child concentrates on making a new movement right… *15-12-1988, Auroville: Over the last few days, I seem to have lost the awareness that had been Your gift… I think it has been gradually obscured by the tide of this energy that came at me from the necessity of finishing “Ravena” in such a short time, of accepting the challenge… It isn’t an energy that comes from the Force; it is an energy to “do”, to … Douce Mère, make me a child of the Force…!