journal d'une transition

802

and prayer that it must be built soon… It is a vast square, a cube rather, with in its inner volume a four-sided tiered atrium…

*1-8-1988, Auroville: Vivian, Su’s and John H’s sister, has safely arrived, and it is as if her entire emotional being is already known and experienced…

*2-8-1988, Auroville: I need to give more attention to “Ravena” these days, with a whole swarm of carpenters there, and Jaïmurthy, who’s been brooding overmuch, tending to make mistakes with the laying of the new terrace tiles…

*3-8-1988, Auroville: I am suffocating: the whole process of “doing”, the mechanics of energies, and the dependency on money and how it deforms, twists and bends every movement, every action and every situation… And here particularly, in this country now, the low degree of quality and reliability and the high quotient of deteriorating and disintegrating agents, factors, or tendencies: I feel swamped within a thick, heterogeneous, jarring mass of disparate elements; and I get confused, cerebrally confused, at not being able to do properly what, in the circumstances, is expected of me… *5-8-1988, Auroville: The pressure of a deadline to finish the work at “Ravena” without enough money is throwing me in a dumb panic much of the time; I struggle with depression, as I catch myself perhaps wasting money, not giving enough attention and care, not succeeding in perfection; defects appear magnified and I tend to find myself incompetent; and I struggle through this false relationship to Matter, bound by intermediate energies and artefacts, loud and ugly, not ever reaching completeness, not ever neutralising the processes of deterioration… … I cooked dinner for JF.D and Michel, and it was a quiet evening with them; I find that they have sort of complementary imbalances! But I enjoyed the moments spent in their company; I do not think, though, that they would make it here, at present… *6-8-1988, Auroville: I went to help a while at Matrimandir, preparing for the next concreting on top of the structure, with John H and Su and Narayana and Somu and a few others, each of us grateful for this gorgeous, peaceful gift of Matrimandir, watching the sunset all over the land and the ocean in the distance… This morning too, I attended a meeting there, with Piero and Carel sharing their findings in their trip to Europe, regarding the technical problems, and possible solutions, of the next stage of the work…