journal d'une transition

801

endlessly frustrating… “Ravena” needs money, Barbara’s house needs money, this place needs money, and Ar. needs money: one step outside and someone stops me with a bill…! … No news of Samuel: since the other day, when he threw a tantrum at Soaz and me, he hasn’t come back to me; I am no good for this age of vital practicing; I myself do not have vital energy to spare, and I am not tolerant enough. Yet there must be some way to relate that cancels the need for whimsicality, isn’t there? Perhaps not; I do not know…

*26-7-1988, Auroville: JF.D and his friend Michel have arrived. Michel has actually come last year already, for a short visit, but I hadn’t met him. There is a direct and simple contact with him…

*27-7-1988, Auroville: I returned late this evening, after a tedious, probably necessary but not apparently fruitful, meeting with Larry, Pala, Ed and Yaap, at “Ravena”, on how to finance the remaining work, on the building of a new road, and on how to use the place apart from these planned seminars and programs already committed to… Larry’s position, in Auroville’s terms, isn’t clear, and Pala tried to point it out to him, as I have several times done, but it doesn’t reach him…! As for me, I do not know what to do: there are not enough funds to finish what I ought to be the one to finish; and even then, for me to vanish would mean leaving Larry to cope with a heavy material load on his own… But I somehow do not feel any more at ease to contribute out of the little that comes to me… *28-7-1988, Auroville: I am half-drowned under the weight and definition of material manipulations, mentalised Matter, money-flow, things in disrepair, things to adjust, things to make, to fix, to coordinate – to try and harmonise… And there is the conflict between Larry’s attitude and drive over “Ravena”, and the spirit of offering that has been my living thread and support all along. I don’t know whether I must continue, at this point; one psychological factor that motivates me to try and go on, or rather that prevents me from disengaging further, is the wish I have for C to see the place nearly done and whole, when she comes in September, and before it passes into other hands… *30-7-1988, Auroville: Su is nervous and apprehensive at her sister’s visit; and she has been needing some more emotional support, which I can “let” her find, but have no impulse to display: it is there, if she cares to look for it, which she often does… I too have sometimes such a need, to be held, to hug and caress and be hugged and caressed… What to do?

*31-7-1988, Auroville: I am seeing, and developing in my mind, a very beautiful and synthetic structure to build as the Pavilion of France in Auroville: this came in response to JF.D’s dream