journal d'une transition

766

*15-11-1987, Auroville: It was a struggle of nearly two hours to get the phone connection; finally it came through, I could hear C much of the time and she could hear me if I shouted: she said that R had been taken urgently to an intensive care-unit two nights ago and is being monitored constantly to find out whether the coronaries can hold or it needs to be operated on; that his spirits are good and he is trying to be calm. The thought is there now that C might need me with her for a while – that I would have to go. But that very possibility runs havoc in me… *16-11-1987, Auroville: It is Su’s birthday. We spent a long time today on the beach, watching the ocean in silence. Early this morning I put the painting and the poems in her house. She was moved in a strange way; she cried. I don’t exactly know why. . N hasn’t yet been released; I have had no news; Mani was to look for more land for surety with some of his relatives who own land in the State of Pondichéry, as the Judge had upped the amount for each from 6,000 /- to 20,000/-; this entire process is bizarre… … Ed has offered to contribute a weekly amount to help me go on with the work... *18-11-1987, Auroville! I am reading two books at the same time: one is by the Dalai Lama on the Chinese occupation of Tibet; and the other is by Donald Woods, on Steve Biko, the black African leader who was assassinated by the white South African Police… The only thing that will ever redeem so much distress in this material world will be the actual, concrete incarnation of the Consciousness here… … There’s still resistance in those of my parts that reserve the rights to some more “experiencing”; but I also see that, the less I look at that and the smoother the transition is, even if, in the meantime, I find myself often in strange states and conditions… *19-11-1987, Auroville: While shopping in town with Su, I met Logan’s family. They had all the necessary documents now with them and told me that both N and Logan would be surely out this afternoon itself, and I should come and meet N when he is released. … I have been taking a good look at this; I must have N tell me the exact truth, no matter what. Otherwise, this relationship will make no sense at all, and for his own sake he must face it… … As a woman Su is more developed, has realised more and is therefore more capable of honesty, while Ar. remains quite lost in this area, all the more as she stubbornly believes that she must learn it all through this one relationship with me… *20-11-1987, Auroville: N walked in, early this morning. He’d been finally released late evening yesterday and had spent the night at his mother’s house with his children. He didn’t stay long, as he had to go and sign in at the Police Station – he’ll have to do this daily, I think…