journal d'une transition

767

*21-11-1987, Auroville: While doing the asanas this morning I listened to the tape of that very difficult episode about Satprem’s book, the dealings of SABDA, and the Ashram publishers, etc, and it made me so tense: it expressed so acutely the forces at play in us, and the hardness that dogs us on, rising again to cover our sincerity; Satprem’s tone of voice, Your almost pleading, attempting to bridge these different states, Your Love and Your Need… *22-11-1987, Auroville: There are moments of pure gratitude, a gratitude that is aware beyond expression… The physical consciousness cannot sustain those states for long; one returns to the need for rhythm and discipline, to give it time to become more receptive, more stable and more offered… *24-11-1987, Auroville: I am sad and tired of my nights… Things just happen, people just are there, I just find myself in such and such circumstances, with such or such activity, but I never seem to have that freedom of a conscious choice, of even saying “hey, wait a minute, I just want to be alone and concentrate for a while…”! Nothing! It’s like being rolled on by the mechanics of existence, without the presence that alone may give it sense… and time irreducibly swallowing all… *25-11-1987, Auroville: O.P’s lady friend has just walked in. She’d written to me several times about her wanting to come to Auroville… She’s already been staying in “Aspiration” a few days and got her fill of stories and judgements; a lot was told her about me even while still in Paris; she’s now met Diane, and has seen my princess, and has heard all the nonsense. And she hasn’t liked it and wants to move to the Camp here and work at Matrimandir… She seems to be open and cheerful, but probably not grounded enough… It was alright with her, but I was not prepared to hear again the same old things, unchanged, with no more prospect than before of ever finding a way to be with my child… … I feel rushed, as if eaten by time, going from one action to another and to the next, from one chore to the next and the next, one part of the routine to the next and the next, and yet there’s no escaping it: the physical life demands it… I need to shift to where consciousness embraces it all, contains it all, and is able to gradually permeate it all, instead of acting as stop-gap and reminder of concentration and awareness…

*26-11-1987, Auroville: There is this wonderful light abroad. I measure how much is left to be un-done before I can say in all sincerity: “I am Yours, all Yours…”

*27-11-1987, Auroville: I often feel like crying, the nights are so… such a negation of a conscious state, of a receptive condition – and they throw me back all bruised and sorry onto the days,