journal d'une transition

765

*5-11-1987, Auroville: I have been worrying for Ar.; possibly because I got caught by some guilt – like she makes me feel that I am cruel or unfair to her; that while she gives herself constantly, and asks so little, I keep rejecting and refusing her… But I do not like to see her, to know her miserable; it isn’t right; and it isn’t her… *9-11-1987, Auroville: This afternoon B.B came to see me at “Ravena”, on behalf of the “Acrylic group”, to ask me for money to help them collect go out on a fund-raising tour of India… I told him I couldn’t, and explained why… There was something rather comical in the meeting of our two realities…! *10-11-1987, Auroville: I requested Yaap to send a telegram to Larry today, asking him to state what he is really up to; I cannot go on this way; the means at my disposal are insufficient and it is not harmonious, something isn’t right; and perhaps I must first move out of the scene so that someone else with the proper means may come in and care for the place…? *11-11-1987, Auroville: I have been listening to Your Agenda twice a day for quite some time now. But there are only a dozen tapes left, and I get scared: I need so much Your physical Presence, with Your strength and will for constant progress… … I have received a sweet attempt at a letter from N! I want him to persevere in his studying so that he can eventually read English books, learn about himself… *12-11-1987, Auroville: I had an unclear, uneasy, shifty contact with Afsaneh and Nadaka today; they said that Larry had written he’d be back any day now, and they commented vaguely on some funds for a “Students Exchange Program” which would have “Ravena” as a base in Auroville… Nothing I can rely on… This sort of unclarity makes me angry; I find that perhaps two thirds of Auroville is rubbish, pretentious, a sham, and I resent it all… But then I must examine my own intolerance and pretensions as well; and after a few hours of this sorting out, everything is quiet again…! *13-11-1987, Auroville: Throughout the days aspects come upfront – aspects of offering, of necessary changes, seeds of disciplines, or progresses, and a seemingly endless range of responses and states; and, like a magnet at the centre of it all, or a deeper, or new gravity, is the call, the need and the awareness of That… … I am no longer making an effort to write down all that goes on; it takes too much time for one thing; and then I am not convinced that it helps to define with the mental expression what is, by itself, fluid and in constant motion, with such differences of depth and quality… … C has written that R’s health is still very uncertain and unstable; between her words, it is plain that she is worried, tired and a little distressed, although she does try hard not to show it; I think I’ll try to phone them at their home this Sunday…