journal d'une transition

760

… I want nothing from either Ar. or Su. The friendship with Ar. is precious – but if exclusivism is its price, I won’t hold to it… Su is good, and I feel at ease with her as a woman; yet if she grows anxious over me, I can’t sustain that either. I’d rather be alone… If they could be friends together too, that would free a flow of progress… Ar. came to find me at “Ravena” this afternoon; she was calmer, but afraid I might be hard on her because of her drama yesterday: she can really go far, much too far, it scares me; she’d talked to Namas too, who now thinks that I am ruining her, driving her to madness… and on and on: the rule of drama, the solidarity of drama… *21-10-1987, Auroville: I have been in constant tension, due to the conflict of energies between these two women and me. I do not see the point of it, and yet I must acknowledge my responsibility in it: I invited it, to some extent… And yet it doesn’t come to me that way, in my own experience: I just open to a given relationship, without measuring the consequences. I want nothing from either of them. They’re both persons I appreciate and trust, in different ways, with respect. But I cannot fulfil a role. I can’t give shelter, as a man is expected to give a woman. I can only find my own security in You, in That. Anything beyond mutual reciprocity becomes interference… *23-10-1987, Auroville: Late this morning I went to Matrimandir. People were working at the top of the structure, lifting the crane up and away from the top ring, each one manning an adjustable fork… I climbed up there and I liked the atmosphere: the simplicity of what Matrimandir requires from us was there, in everyone present – and none of the new team was there! It is strange to see how much we delude ourselves still with “doing”, when it is actually so much closer to the truth to be merely and simply instruments… *24-10-1987, Auroville: I feel clearly how, physically, the wear and tear to which the body is subjected is directly related to the interactions between individuals, because any human contact that is more than accidental fixes the consciousness to an image, as of necessity; and the codes have to be consistent; therefore one is trapped, and one traps the other… By myself, I rather feel the necessity of renewal, permanent renewal along different rhythms and tides; and that, as long as one is willing, there is no reason that it has to cease; as long as one is progressing and experiencing sufficient sense, one can go through this permanent renewal endlessly… *26-10-1987, Auroville: This morning, carrying a tray of seedlings, I fell off my cycle, stupidly; I didn’t drop the tray, though! I didn’t hurt myself, only bumped my ankle; but I felt so foolish, because I could easily have avoided it, were it not for this uncertainty in my physical consciousness, that heavy, obscure lack of trust and joy…