journal d'une transition

761

*29-10-1987, Auroville: I saw Devaraj about the proceedings for N. It seems that, according to the Indian Law, once a petition for bail has been duly recorded, even if it is refused by the Judge, and 90 days elapse without the Case being heard, the prisoner must be let out anyway, until the Case comes up and judgement is passed. In this case, it seems that the Police Inspector has blocked the bail and would have had to be bribed by us. So it looks like N will be released anyway in a month or so… … I am reading a very good book, the latest of Morris West, “Cassidy”… *30-10-1987, Auroville: I have again thought of all these personal diaries that I have written over the years, along with other texts, that have just accumulated; I always hesitate, between destroying the whole of it, or keeping it… But perhaps I should take the time to sort it out and extract what may have some value as a kind of testimony to the process, and throw the rest…? If I had to leave, to “die” now, it wouldn’t feel right to leave all that behind as it is: I want a neat offering, not a messy load for others to clean up…! *31-10-1987, Auroville: My heart is “fibrillating”; I don’t know what it exactly does or does not, but the “sensation” is of jumps and starts in the area just around and over it, twitches that sometimes reach further up in the main arteries; it goes on all the time, perhaps twenty such twitches in a few seconds, and it is for some reason very tiring; I know that the physical mind makes up for much of that fatigue, but the phenomenon is there nonetheless; and I know nothing about it. It is easier when I concentrate into some activity, or when I have fallen asleep. The anxiety mainly comes from the knowledge of the fact of Ruud’s demise: the fact that one of us can be made to just quit, suddenly, without any preparation, and in the most stupid circumstances… So now I think I really must clear up my own personal scene and be ready at anytime… It is not that I want to quit; deep within there is the awareness that the nature of the progress taking place implies that I must stay in the body for a long time; but it is not an argument: it is quiet and deep and does not compete with the surface stress and questioning… … Ar. tells me of the meetings at Matrimandir; it seems that the “Acrylic group” has reduced its steam a bit… … We should soon know about the status of Auroville from November 8 onwards: an extension of the Government Takeover, a return to the SAS, or some compromise of a sort…

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