journal d'une transition

757

I cannot concur with the attitudes and views expressed, nor can I adhere to the false unity that is being publicised; neither do I believe in gadgets for a serious work. But to counter it all might actually amount to delaying, obstructing and damaging further a process which is already tedious enough…! I felt angry today; the methods, means and practices are, I find, so ugly and so dishonest; and yet somehow it creates an opening to energy… I feel alien to this world… It seems to me to be a very cheap unity that allows for such attitudes to dominate…

*8-10-1987, Auroville: I have brought Rs 500/- to Mani and Devaraj, at the Court, as my one contribution…

*9-10-1987, Auroville: I went by taxi to meet Su at the Station in Madras. The GT train was half-an-hour late: she was on it. It was simple and happy. … As we approached home, Su became anxious; she said she was having a mixed feeling, with some sadness and the sense of irreversible, or “inextricable”; she had worked so hard to make it happen, for this return to come true, all the time she had been away, and now it was over; she had left her past, and she didn’t know… Part of this, I felt, had to do with the degree of uncertainty in our relationship, but we hadn’t talked about it at all, just held hands… I myself do not know; because of Ar.’s psychological position, there is the likelihood of some tension, although none of us wants it… With Su I find a natural intimacy and ease, which includes the possibility of renewed sexual intercourse, but is not pulling at it… *10-10-1987, Auroville: Jaïmurthy told me today that the people in the village were now angry at me as they believe that I have committed a large amount of money to have N released, as they wanted him to remain in jail, and they had even sent delegations earlier to the Governor to make a strong case against him… This came out as I had asked him why he’d been having negative thoughts towards me…! *11-10-1987, Auroville: Su came briefly this morning… She is very tense these days whenever she is near me. I know that we must talk and I must tell her as accurately as I can how it is for me, and how is my relationship with Ar., so that she can look at it in herself and make her own choices… … Ar. came to invite me to come with her and a few others to Madras to watch a dance performance by Pina Bausch; it is surely interesting, although I am not attracted by her line of work, but I do not wish to make that journey again for some time…

*13-10-1987, Auroville: I have been seeking Your direction, as regards the present issue at Matrimandir…