journal d'une transition

730

*10-6-1987, Auroville: I was ill-tempered all day from having to cope with all these contraptions and mechanical parts – the plumbing at “Ravena” and the installing of the diesel engine here; fortunately Ar. helps and today she went to town and ordered barrels, purchased oil and grease and such things that are, it seems, indispensable to life…! It is always the same reluctance, or resistance, or even repugnance in me towards most mentalised Matter – having to depend on it for everything else: the dependence. I have placed the last two geese. I am not very sure: it doesn’t express an easy harmony; it isn’t a smooth flight of geese as one sees in the sky, migrating; rather, it is a complex movement, and each is individual, although obviously part of a thrust and a rising… Now the background must be plastered, egg-white around the white of the birds… … I am reading an interesting report, made, I feel, with sincerity, on recent research done with people who have experienced clinical death and survived: their experiences away from the body at that moment when they “knew” they were dead or dying… No one, I suppose, will ever be able to measure what You have done and are doing to erode and dissolve that barrier, to “un-realise” or “de-realise” what we still call “death”, and to teach us to open to what is to replace it… *12-6-1987, Auroville: There seems to be an un-doing process right now; making room; as if a sort of slow gathering towards a new virginity… … Ar. is now the one single person I have contact with in my daily life in Auroville. Without her I’d only see the men I work with, and N. When I go to Pondy it is the same; it has often struck me that I almost never meet anyone there: I can spend hours there and only talk to the shop-keepers; and so I do not take my isolation as merely the result of an attitude of mine: it may also be an expression of the Will… But physically there has come some stability: those deep chasms of fatigue have gone and although I do not feel inclined to rely on vital energy, still there is an improvement; I think the credit goes mainly to the practice of asanas, and perhaps also to the fact that I have ruled to eat every evening a full plate of vegetables…! I listen every morning to Your Agenda, while doing the asanas, and it is good, and necessary. But that’s about all the concentration I am capable of at the moment! I have seen how much all my previous “efforts” and “attitudes” were a fraud. I need my existence to be genuinely opened to Thee, to be opened by Thee! *13-6-1987, Auroville: It is as if I have never started on the way.

*16-6-1987, Auroville: J.P had a motor-cycle accident this evening on the main road; he was in the Jipmer Hospital, unconscious, when first John H and Andy heard about it and went. And today is John H’s birthday: I left flowers in his room…