journal d'une transition

717

I do not know how to progress; I do not know what experiences are needed: I put it all before You…! … I went down to Pondy with N this evening, for some shopping, and we had dinner in a restaurant; there’s still this longing to possess him physically, to hold him and to be held; but that it doesn’t happen alters in no way the sweetness that’s always there between us; and it is somehow a constant surprise, in peculiar, non- mentalised ways; we communicate hardly at all on most levels; we can only share very material things, like food, and yet he happens to be the one person I am glad to see every day… *23-3-1987, Auroville: I had to send B away again, as she‘d come at the time of my asanas, and I told her when I’d be free; I felt bad, but I have seen that if I relax the discipline for such occasions, it will be undone in no time; however selfish or rigid it may appear, I want to persevere – but who cares anyway: it seems that my attempt at sliding quietly into anonymous oblivion is succeeding well! -, knowing that this may take several years to begin to establish a condition in the body that will be favourable to Your Work… *24-3-1987, Auroville: Lately I have more often been tiring of having to absorb, day after day, the obscurity carried by the men at “Ravena”; I guess I am open to them in the wrong way, because it draws a lot on me and is no help to my own atmosphere; whenever I see that, I want to stop it all and pull out; but then a gesture rises, a smile, radiant and pure, and I forget at once all the darkness that is around them and makes up most of their lives… *25-3-1987, Auroville: I cycled over to Angad’s early this morning, to check on the lime-mixing session which we had agreed to have there, with Jaïmurthy; but this fellow, for no reason at all, was all uptight and aggressive, complaining of pressures and reluctant to keep to the agreement, in such an obnoxious way that I nearly gave up and left with D, the lime, the cart and all; but I realised: he is just cracked up! That’s all! He hasn’t resolved certain contradictions in him; he hasn’t examined the necessary changes of values, and thus he has tripped into this unreal condition… But there was such a blind, diffuse violence in him, and such bad faith in his expressions, that it took all I could collect not to blow at him… What struck me most, though, is that, in different forms this phenomenon is quite frequent in Auroville, and has considerable repercussions in the collective life…! Later I examined my own reactions; I am finding out these days, more and more, about the necessity to actually see, feel and perceive everybody and everything within the conscious embrace of being, instead of away and outside of one’s own experiential space. It has become increasingly important to me to learn not to reject in an ignorant way. And just this one progress, so truly and well needed, is such a program in itself…!