journal d'une transition

716

*16-3-1987, Auroville: As always, help, “spiritual help”, comes to me through women; this book, “Initiations”, by Elizabeth Haich, has been handed to me through two women, and it is most interesting: it relates, among a number of other matters, disciplines of Ancient Egypt, especially those that concerned the nerve centres, their education, training and adaptation to higher states of consciousness; it makes a lot of sense, even today for Your Work, and it is quite relevant to the difficulties I have met in my life; I am reading this very carefully, as it acts as a sort of revelatory for what has been more confusedly held within my own consciousness… … I still need a lot of sleep; I still have these strange fatigues, although they now have a much less depressing character; it feels sometimes as if I am lacking a back bone, or some sort of central illumined will isn’t there; but there seems to be less confusion… … Ar. did come; I told her of my choice, that we should see each other as friends really, quite regularly – on the basis of a common and mutual commitment to friendship and trust, without any of these undertones; we talked a long time, because she couldn’t accept it abruptly and couldn’t see herself able to do it; but it eased a little. Perhaps she will see the necessity of it. I hope she does.

*18-3-1987, Auroville: You have always granted my wishes whenever I had to insist on them as “needs”… And I am grateful for it, totally. Perhaps for someone else this could be a catastrophe, but for me it is right…

*19-3-1987, Auroville: I spent the evening with Su; she finished packing up and she will stay the night with me, till it is time for her to leave, before dawn… I don’t like emotions; whether one is able to hold them in check or not makes little difference, they’re there, and I find them more and more disruptive, and damaging…

*20-3-1987, Auroville: Su managed to cry very little and, as soon as she sat in the car, she became composed, drawing on her own inner resource, and it was good. John H, B and Akash went along with her, and Pala and Ramu had come to bid her farewell…

*21-3-1987, Auroville: I stopped at “Abri” on my way back this morning, to hand over the money to Tom for the purchase and installation of a diesel engine for the pump here, so that we can run it even when there is no electrical power supply; it is not a joyful decision; the pollution is depressing; but there seems to be no other choice, at present, if I want to keep the place going and maintain the garden. Larry came to “Ravena” and we discussed the organisation on which to fall back, soon, if no money comes to complete the building. I could go on at a slower pace using the funds that Ed is still owing, with carpentry work and the maintenance and guarding of the whole place, while Larry would try – as he is also going to the US and will meet Auralice there – to get more funds… So whatever happens, it looks like I shall remain committed to “Ravena” for some more time…