journal d'une transition

718

*26-3-1987, Auroville: Myrtle called in; it had been such a long time since she last had come. It was good to sit together, for an hour; she too has found in herself the imperative need to concentrate on her own progress for some time, and she could well understand that I do not wish to see much of anybody right now… *29-3-1987, Auroville: My last dream was a surprising encounter, in the sand dunes leading down to the beach, near sundown, with a very, very tall, large and strong man, whose whole physical expression is very moving, unique, not beautiful, with odd proportions, but vibrating intensely with a sort of contained tenderness; he is so much larger than me and yet he is open to me, he walks towards me all absorbed in me; after a few words we sit together close, facing the sea, and I lay his hand on my sex and my hand on his sex and it is brief, and surprising, my body responding at once with a flow of semen that woke me up… It left me a little depressed, though, not of itself, but for what it shows: I am simply not making it! I still long and crave for a man-to-man thing… Like, with N, I enjoy every part, every movement and every place of his body, his skin is wonderful to me, I delight in the changes of his face, I want to lay my head on his breast, to kiss him everywhere…It is all maddening, because I haven’t yet touched the cause of it, the living cause; it eludes me still… I keep pushing toward a new, formidable comprehension or realisation, which is already conscious somewhere up or deeper within, but hasn’t yet had its impact on the outer, active consciousness: it has to do with an entirely other perception of all relationships… I am led, with a sort of inevitability, towards it; that, somehow, all relationships, in our present state of consciousness, entertain the same illusion, or falsity… But most natures aren’t equipped to even consider that it is so; they have the best reasons to maintain it all – to help others, for instance, to save humanity or the world… -; while it may be easier for me to accept it, even though it implies experiencing myself as a kind of a monster during the transition! It hinges on that absolute truth that the Lord alone is objective; that the only objectivity is the Supreme reality. And That stands hidden by the Light, while opens a creative way that will purify the world, and all relationships will be experienced altogether differently… *30-3-1987, Auroville: The whole of last evening and far into the night I was miserable, as if a belt was tightened all around my middle, with constant nausea, and a draining of the body’s energies, and pain in the limbs and back… I have no idea where it came from. I tried to make myself vomit but nothing came… *1-4-1987, Auroville: I met Larry on the road; he said that Ed was still withholding the borrowed money, for “good reasons”; that he and others were objecting to “Ravena” being made into a Guest House because of the traffic… I don’t know what to do. All along I have trusted the Grace, and the gracefulness of the place itself; trusted that You would care for it. But I have also to acknowledge that people in Auroville do not like it…