journal d'une transition

671

I don’t know; it is more difficult to try and quietly perceive the right orientation when there are waves upon waves of anxiety, helplessness, suffering, and so much advice and so many ideas… What one may quietly perceive doesn’t have the assertive strength to dominate the rest; it wants a quiet receptivity as well! Mentally I do not know at all what is to be done… … Ar. asked me today what I “thought” of a proposal she’s had of going to earn money in Abu Dhabi as a secretary for several months… It’s like more and more, and from all sides, all the notions and values You had cleared away for Your Work with us are surging back, not brutally but very softly, very “normally”, proving themselves right as they regain lost ground… But one can say nothing for someone else, one can only remain watchful and cling to You within, and that’s all…

*4-9-1986, Auroville: D.M and Janaka have received a short answer from Satprem, at last: “We love you.”

*5-9-1986, Auroville: I am not doing it right, not with the workmen at “Ravena”, nor with D.M and Janaka; it went quite wrong with Jaïmurthy today: he’d done a mistake, something that implied the misuse of his responsibilities, and I learned it, but it was through N who is also behaving foolishly; there are all these jealousies brewing, these prides, and all these lies, and I am nowhere near to finding a position that would make everyone feel right; or perhaps it is impossible, I do not know… And Janaka had a heavy bout of fever this afternoon, and vomited a huge amount, and there were white things in his urine, and D.M was hysterical and J.L, who had replaced me till I returned, was helpless and very sorry. And I don’t know where to stand. When I leave them in the evening, I feel almost like a traitor, abandoning them. Yet, what to do? The more I go and the less difference I see between “madness” in any of its forms and the body’s diseases: they all arise out of a loss of balance, and that loss of balance seems to be always caused by either a wrong attitude or an insincerity… In Janaka’s case it would have been a wrong attitude… But there is also, and perhaps most importantly, D.M’s condition and her experience of the last ten years, which is… maddening! *6-9-1986, Auroville: D.M was in trouble this evening, in more trouble than usual; she had a strong fever and was shivering uncontrollably under five blankets when I came in after the pay and the accounts at 5 pm and it took a while to get her warmed up and relaxed… … This cannot go on much longer; John H has dropped out, Ed refuses to come more than twice a week, Bill S had a heavy argument with D.M, and N is getting overwhelmed and sometimes afraid – not to mention how much more can D.M and Janaka endure…!

*9-9-1986, Auroville: There is this impression of being taken up, occupied, invested, invaded and pulled by or into a reality that makes insufficient sense in terms of awareness – or