journal d'une transition

672

perhaps it does, I don’t really know… It certainly shows me a lot on this question of objective versus subjective, and on the nature of true consciousness…

*11-9-1986, Auroville: I was told that Satprem has recently announced, to someone in Auroville I think: “Mère arrive…!” Whatever happens, it is the ego that must go, be undone and yield to the concreteness of truth… I thought to You: would You be then “their property”, the property of all those who label themselves “Satprem’s faithful followers”? Would You, could You enter there? You are too big, Mother, much, much too big…! But any of these thoughts could not even be there at all if there was no ego left: there would be no question; there would only be Your Touch on the unified stuff of my consciousness… *13-9-1986, Auroville: I found at the airport a book I had not read yet of Jane Roberts, “Adventures in Consciousness”… D.M had asked me to send another telegram to Satprem – she’d had a big fright this morning when it looked for an instant that Janaka was gone -; but the airport had no telegraph service, so I asked C to send it tonight from Bombay… *14-9-1986, Auroville: To me, very often, D.M and Janaka’s relating to You amounts to superstition; they have both made the choice to rely exclusively on You for the reality of the body, in such extreme circumstances, but they are not aware of Your Presence and they do not have, as sometimes D.M acknowledges, a conscious basis of experience to sustain that choice… I cannot help. There may well be some occult problem behind that nasty fever that keeps coming and rising in Janaka’s body, demolishing every time whatever small progress was made and pushing his consciousness out, or in weird positions in relation to the physical sheath; and I have no clue as to who, around here, could help… … It seems to me that Janaka is also full of very mixed notions towards karma, guilt and justice, and I often catch glimpses of attitudes, these days, that are quite unhealthy and wrong… It is often as if there was some malign will behind all this to make them both go mad… This morning D.M freaked heavily, and screamed for a long time, because Janaka would not swallow some potion, and she couldn’t bear it any more… I have considered alternatives, but none is clear; where could Janaka be taken, and who among us would take care of him when D.M herself needs constant care? … I had a moment of depression this morning: C and R’s leaving made like a hole in the tension, after the strain of trying to be available to them as well during their stay…

*15-9-1986, Auroville: Today was perhaps a better day for Janaka; I made contact with this Ayurvedic Doctor Rao and he visited this afternoon and found an infection of the kidneys which was causing the fever, and we started this evening a new treatment to