journal d'une transition

670

the whole expression of a certain line of tapasya that I now sense as old and barren and contrary… It made me withdraw; and, later, a deeper pain surged, bringing tears… Somehow, the more I go on living, the simpler Your Work appears to me… And very often it is not the way people tend to see it, or expect it to be and to manifest. I don’t know what words to use for it, but perhaps it is something like that: Your Work is to channel true consciousness into the living substance of those care and thirst for it, and every drop of true consciousness is a “more” into the world and the human condition and implies, necessarily and automatically, a corresponding change in our nature. Therefore we can only open to and receive a drop of it when we are ready to change in proportion. And You have Yourself opened the way; You have Yourself offered material substance to the Action, towards an integral change in Matter: You have called It down to the very foundations of the world…! All the rest is old, useless nonsense. A drop more of true consciousness means that we become different, and more aware; and there is no end to this becoming! Only, there is first a beginning, beyond our mental status. What I see lacking in D.M and Janaka’s approach is that it is “spiritual” and their field is the physical; while, it seems to me more and more, Your field is… consciousness, being, becoming, through and through, and Matter is where Consciousness must recover Itself… This looks like a mere play of words, and I wouldn’t try such a formulation with D.M: it would become at once an argument. But I do sense a concrete border there, and the necessity to go over it, beyond it… *1-9-1986, Auroville: It all went wrong when I went to “Ravena” this morning; I was late, having to cycle over, and I burst at D.M when she vetoed, in what I felt a petty way, the use of Janaka’s bike, and the things I’d wished to be able to communicate to her truly all came out in words that betray them, and D.M went into arguing and alternately crying and self-pitying and complaining that she is now all exposed and all what she holds true is being mocked at, and she is left with nothing at all… I can’t even be angry at myself, there is no use… I am just too small, far too small, to communicate truly, to contribute… … I did go back to “Ravena” this afternoon, with some reluctance and apprehension; D.M and I tried to talk quietly, but she has blanked at some level I cannot break through, and it comes down to further arguing and preserving some sort of self-image… Yet we somehow patched up, I guess because of that deep affection between us that remains untouched whatever else takes place. And I saw that, because I hadn’t cared this morning, things were all in disorder… I don’t know… I need That, That, That… *2-9-1986, Auroville: This afternoon, on Ed’s initiative – and D.M being very confused as she often is -, a young doctor from Jipmer came to visit Janaka while I was away, and made it seems his diagnosis of a stroke, hemiplegy and thrombosis; he advised that he be admitted in the Hospital for a several weeks treatment, failing which Janaka might have multiple attacks and irreversible damage… When I returned, I found them struggling out of this fearful formation; D.M was revolted and fighting the fear… Yet today we tried the first part of an Ayurvedic treatment to get rid of these parasites – which that doctor considered as irrelevant -, and it worked well enough.