journal d'une transition

669

You to come and to help, and… I don’t understand! They call You, D.M especially, as if You were far, hidden, out of reach…

*26-8-1986, Auroville: Janaka had a very difficult time after I’d left late morning, and vomited a big worm that must have lodged in his stomach; he probably may accept to take some medicine to purge his organism from such hosts; he had fever too, and much pain in his legs… For D.M it is extremely taxing… P.M came, also during my absence, to tell them that Satprem had received their telegrams and wanted, or perhaps it was Luc who wanted, more information; perhaps Satprem will be able to see something useful? C stayed near me a long while at noon, and showed me all the sweet things she had brought, and gifts from C.E. and from FJ and ChJ, and handed me a letter from Soaz saying she has chosen, with some sadness, not to come back to Auroville now, and to work, and to come and visit later on with Samuel… I could have cried; but I kept it still… Not to see Samuel… I don’t know: it may be right, but it’s like… what is the point? *28-8-1986, Auroville: I had a little time for some work in the garden, and to have tea with C. I can’t give her much time and I feel bad about it, but perhaps it will ease a bit; although, judging from today, things are rather extreme: D.M isn’t well at all, and Auralice came home with swollen tonsils…! … So far Janaka hasn’t responded to the allopathic anti-parasite treatment, and I can’t help feeling it is all getting worse and worse; and why…? Why all this? Sometimes D.M asks me to say what I “see” or “feel”, but I can’t. She knows so much, she gives herself so completely, she does such a fine job near Janaka with her purity of love… but she is not aware! *30-8-1986, Auroville: This morning D.M freaked out; she blew up at You, stridently. She is so stretched. She held it against You that she and Janaka must go through this constant torture without any help… I kept quiet, and it all calmed down… Sometimes it is good to yell…! … Perhaps I comprehend some things, perhaps I don’t… Often I find myself on the edge of a “crisis of faith”; but, as I see it, it comes from the surface, from others, from the atmosphere, and it knocks at my door, and the door is wide open, and I let it pass, without much concern… it is no more a matter of faith: and that is what is difficult to explain, because at the same time I am obviously as un-transformed as anyone else! *31-8-1986, Auroville: There was a heavy scene this morning at “Ravena” when D.M refused to give Janaka the allopathic medicine prescribed by Datta, having read on its label that it was carcinogen to mice… She threw it all out, uttering curses and blowing up at half the world, and nothing was done… Through that small incident, small but charged and intense, I saw more tangibly what, to my present awareness, seems to be basically wrong, or lacking there; and I also felt very uneasy with these curses, and