journal d'une transition

668

seemed like hours, a terrible activity and situation, looking after the decomposing body of Ruud, with some of his consciousness still alive in it, as a sort of brotherly help he asked for… And day after day, for weeks now, I am made to attend all the bodily functions of Janaka and through it all I carry a kind of tenderness which has always been deep in me for the “lowest” end of life in Matter, and the sense of Thy Presence there, of it being Thee, belonging to Thee. But, as with Janaka’s condition, it is all a sort of continuous battle against uncertainty, absence or lack of awareness, and the possibility of defeat, of undoing, of one more waste… On the other hand, here in Auroville, things that I hold to be true I cannot contribute – such as this statement, which, I feel, is true and faithful to You; I would not be allowed: I am excluded by those who are in charge of Auroville’s affairs and think all the worse of me… *23-8-1986, Auroville: Sometimes, as today, I recoil from the sense of a comedy being played – the comedy of our emotions, our sentiments, our goodwill, the comedy of the spirituality as the one of the materialism: comedy all, because it is mere noise and confusion of our ignorance, before the silent Awareness we lack so badly… … Today’ events, from what Ar. came twice, gently, to tell me, and from what Ed reported to us at “Ravena”, Tata, Rao, M’Bow and Kireet are happy and comforted by what they have found here in Auroville… … There is a level of harmony, to which most people here seem to tend and be satisfied with when they reach it, in which however I do not, and cannot, believe… It relates to this fixed image of Your benign smile: “let my children be at peace and have goodwill…” I don’t know; it throws me off. Or rather it is the sense of one’s

own insufficiency, inadequacy that throws me off. Mother, make me conscious, make me conscious…!

*24-8-1986, Auroville: It has rained well this evening; a good deep rain, and everything is fresh and cool and washed clean; it will be easier for C and R’s arrival tomorrow…

*25-8-1986, Auroville: C, R and I returned from the airport at 3 pm, all 3 very tired…

When I went back to Ravena this afternoon with Janaka’s apple-juice, the first thing the workmen told me was that N had had another intestinal crisis – he’s had this several times, rolling in pain and sometimes falling unconscious: they’d had to take him to the Health-Centre, where Kamala had treated him with homeopathy and spoken of some necessary operation… I’ll have to see her about it; it shocked me: I guess I am overly fond of N… But it is also the fact that there is, or there appears to be an accelerating propensity towards disintegration or defeat in that situation – I was counting on N to take shifts every afternoon, as we can hardly find any one to replace me in the middle of the day… … I found Janaka more articulate today, and quite sharp, but rather bereft of any hope, in his profound humorous fashion. It is D.M who is in more trouble now also; she is becoming ill from the stress and strain adding on to her paralysis; she gets hysterical and very fatigued and her body is threatening to give in to one disorder after another: this is a crazy spot we are in. They both call You all the time, beg