journal d'une transition

615

the bureaucracy and the rigidity… What to say? And Roger A is pushing for his “discs” on the shell of Matrimandir… I don’t know… To look, to listen even just a little, these days, to what seems to be happening, is discouraging and depressing… It is better to remain occupied with what comes directly to one’s experience, and see where that leads… *24-2-1986, Auroville: I began my work day at “Ravena” grouchy and grumbling: this ugly aspect, resenting any disruption or interference in my “hold” over the scene; but the objective part of it is that Janaka must understand, now that he has moved there, that I cannot keep 40 men together with a minimum of harmony and efficiency if he goes on issuing separate instructions whenever he needs something to be done… But I was also lazy, and nobody was concentrated, and there seemed far too much to be done yet for us to be ready for the concreting of the main slab on Wednesday as planned; besides everyone had their mind onto the festival in Pondy, and yesterday had been the day of the elections in the villages around, with quite a lot of bad fight in which most of them had been involved… Then I had to go down to Pondy myself, to the Bank and also to pick up M, who had gone there for G.M’s bike; I met her in a café, and her attitude was at once so irrationally and bizarrely aggressive, and divisive, that it turned out quite sour; something quite unclear must have been brewing in her for some time, of which I had not been aware… But it triggered a movement of almost brute anger in me, which I had to hold separate by sheer will; so, returning without her, I decided to immediately bring to her place the old Radjut bike, which I left there, in “Dana” with a note, and I walked back here. Ar., who had been there in the café with Ritam and watched the whole incident, was also very surprised… In town, I also met Deepti, who told me with more detail and first-hand information what is going on about the Government Takeover and the call for the proper organisation in Auroville to respond to the needs, sharing with me her own views and feelings, which I always appreciate, about this situation; there seems to be a lot of divisive energy running through Auroville at the moment; and then there is also this ugly and dishonest battle raging at Matrimandir between Piero and Arjun over books and accounts… But I saw today that I probably miss being part of a whole order of circumstances in my daily life, which would allow me to work more closely on my own responses to such movements of anger when they are thrown around… I always tend to isolate myself, wanting Your Force alone to burn it all directly; but I do not call for it with enough sincerity, and so therefore it all remains half-hidden in its lair… *25-2-1986, Auroville: I have been searching all day in Pondy for a mixer machine I could rent; finally as a last recourse, I resolved to try here in Auroville, at the Institute, and I met L and then P.E who is in-charge there of the day to day work; after some hesitation, he accepted to lend their machine, although he is well aware that both Cristo and Piero, who are hierarchically above him, have vowed permanent enmity toward me…! Now remains to be seen how to transport this machine over to “Ravena” tomorrow without it being noticed…! That is how it goes! I bought a nice painted image of the god Murugan to preside over the concreting; the men wanted it to perform a puja, so here it is…!