journal d'une transition

613

Je n’aime pas Auroville, cette Auroville ; il me faut bien le reconnaître : je ne crois pas à ce qui s’y passe, du moins pas dans les termes par lesquels les gens se situent à présent. Mais, de mon côté, je ne puis rien y apporter, ne serait ce que par le fait que, dans ce contexte, un doute essentiel a été posé sur mon existence même… Et pourtant, honnêtement, je constate que je suis gardé ici, tenu ici, par le Seigneur au-dedans et au-dessus… Douce Mère, je ne sais pas : quelles qu’aient été mes fautes – nombreuses, et peut-être graves -, aujourd’hui je suis prêt à aller où Tu le veux, et à faire ce que Tu veux ; du moment que c’est Toi, Toi vraiment… Me montreras-Tu ? Il y a un tel malaise dans ma conscience ; et pourtant, en même temps, la gratitude… ! *17-2-1986, Auroville: It is, I suppose, another crisis… It’s like something keeps telling me intently, almost violently, that I am not at my place, that I am wrong to be here: that I shouldn’t be here at all and that I can’t “aspire” for the Truth and remain here at the same time, since, to begin with, the Truth didn’t want me here at all, etc… I have wondered – but this isn’t really interesting – whether this hasn’t been activated again when, on the day of Samuel’s birthday when we went to Sri Aurobindo’s room, we passed Al.B, who was receiving his own red rose for his own birthday, Samuel in my arms… However, this crisis had already started then, so its real cause is definitely not there… … John H. joined me at dinner, in the Kitchen, and he later rode with me down to “Ravena” to check on the overtime work at the small house; we are trying to make it for this coming Friday, but it is quite demanding on all the men… John H told me that Sujata has written some kind of essay on You, or on the Agenda, and the first of 8 Volumes has just come out… … I don’t know what I am meant to do; I cannot see well. My life, my existence, is a burden, and it will remain so as long as I have an ego; I want You to be, instead of me; but probably – certainly – I am not sincere enough… And I am prey to the same perpetual torment: not having ever any possibility to verify with You directly whether there is any truth in this formation that I am an adverse being and that I should never have come here… Everyone is alone with and before the Supreme, yes! But then there is another level or aspect to the question: whether, in Your love, You were seeing that the truest way for me was not to be here at all, but away from here, and then it would have only been through the misleading ego’s insistence that I returned and stayed on for all these years… And whether, now, when I ask You and ask You and ask You, it is still possible to show me the way, whatever it may be… *18-2-1986, Auroville: I bought Sujata’s book (it is the first Volume of a series of 6 Chronicles about You), and started reading it. It is obviously written like a story for children, probably in order to reach a wider audience, both here in India and in the States… I am always disturbed by something in their presentation – Sujata and Satprem’s - of themselves as the only two beings who have understood You and Your Work… Even if that was totally true, it would still not be up to them to say so…! And I would say