journal d'une transition

595

*14-11-1985, Auroville: There seems to be such a great absence in me… And yet I meet very interesting people in my sleep…! Last night there were those people who have material powers so bewildering, riches so enormous, and who are so far beyond showing them off… These are individuals with their questions and commitments and they absolutely want to find their own orientations by themselves, and each one is so interesting… … This afternoon after the work at “Ravena” I had tea with N at his “house”: where he lives is actually worse than a shack in a slum; his mother-in-law has given him, his wife and their two children, this “shelter” where there is no air and no light and hardly any room to stand, damp and dark and filthy… And that is their life… And I have no idea how we can communicate, on what basis; through what experience, and yet there is current between us which I had not, so far, felt with anyone from this pool or background… *15-11-1985, Auroville: Last night, a peculiar experience with… a fox! First it is a place, then it is a real being. Un renard, ou une renarde, dans mes bras, et il y a une étrange et touchante tendresse, une confiance qui jaillit. And this is followed by an experience about the phallus as a symbol of a reality to be assimilated individually: one, two, three, direction, dynamism, origin… … The people of the Department of Agriculture in Pondy came to say that the boring equipment would begin to arrive at “Ravena’ this coming Monday… But we’ll need a constant water-supply during the drilling, and I found that Ed’s pump is still out of order, so it may all be a bit hectic… *16-11-1985, Auroville: I am struggling with this feminine part in me which, as they say, “falls in love”, head over heels; and I don’t want to fight it as I used to, by drawing the wrong force: I want to learn to offer it to Sri Aurobindo, because I know He truly understands the genuineness of that yearning, behind the ignorance of the movement, that a man can sometimes experience for another man… *17-11-1985, Auroville: Mother, it is true that I am holding on to this yearning, that I am not willing to give it up… But it is true also that it has a terrible power and does not let me go, and that it has been laid on my life by a cause I cannot yet fathom… Would You help me, please…? Perhaps if I could be given to live a mutual, free, sincere relationship, at this point in this life, then I would be able to offer it all and move into You, with gratitude; because it is in my nature to offer in gratitude more than I fight and strife… *18-11-1985, Auroville: Last night in one of my dreams, there are small children in my care, and Samuel is one of them; and suddenly he slips from a high branch of a huge tree, where we have gathered: he falls slowly, while I call You all the way, and he lands quietly onto a pile of sand… And Samuel was so sweet today…