journal d'une transition

596

… I went too late to the Kitchen this evening, there was nothing left; I saw Myrtle a moment; S, when I passed her, told me mysteriously that she had come to see me yesterday night, but I wasn’t there… and it struck me, there and then, that in Auroville today she is the only woman with whom I have a physical, simple and healthy contact, and she is perhaps the only woman who is physically beautiful, in a full and generous way; why she came, she didn’t say, and I didn’t ask, didn’t think of asking…! … M brought me a letter from Ar., very straight and sober, saying that she now feels to break up our relationship and has decided to move from “Sincerity” to help her do so, but that she needs and wants to preserve our true contact; it is beautiful the way she puts it, and I want to thank her for it… … This morning I heard that Muthu, a young guy staying at “Utility” had just died in a road accident; and that Volcan had died a few days ago, from an extended fast… *19-11-1985, Auroville: There is a bit of strain with all the confusion of details and things to organise at the same time, at “Ravena”; and this morning I reacted to some comments made by Janaka and… it was merely demonstrating the accuracy of Your description of anger, as a movement of an unregenerate and obscure vital…! It is fortunate, though, that some inner distance always remains tangible enough and one can watch and laugh at it as it happens…! … But sometimes a certain amount of anger can be a psychological support to get rid of confusion in one’s own nature, it seems… I am having a rotten temper today, but it has made me see, for instance, how my precious N is just a kid playing ignorantly with his smile, showing off and unaware of what he is within, only aware of his tiny seductive power and only interested in himself, without a care for any commitment; it has helped me too to move away from more words and endless explanations with D.M… But through it I also see, as tonight in the Kitchen, the terribly self-satisfied shallowness of many people here who please themselves with the sensation of being part of a “spiritual adventure of a new kind”, when their own problems are in fact of a very ordinary nature… *20-11-1985, Auroville: This evening, after the work at “Ravena”, as Samuel and I have our bath together here, as it has become our daily routine, I feel again what a lovely kid he is, and how our relationship seems to strengthen of itself and to grow more real with time; and it is Your gift; at least that is how I experience it… Then E.B came, in a state again; and when she goes past the point of wanting to be set beck straight, then I worry that no one will be able to help her… *21-11-1985, Auroville: I just spent an hour with Ar. at the amphitheatre; she’d come earlier to ask me if we could talk; she wanted to tell me of her “decision”… But of course, just sitting together quietly, she was happy again and could no longer see the point of leaving “Sincerity”…! She had even thought of asking Arjun and Deepti to trade houses with her… but I could not sense that this would have a sanction; it is not clear to me anyway that she must leave. But then she mentioned that a few nights ago she’d had a nightmare and awakened from it scared by something she felt was coming from me, and she had an explanation for it: that I was angry with her – which I