journal d'une transition

594

*12-11-1985, Auroville: The rain has abated a little, but there is now more wind – which can turn nasty now that all the tree roots are in saturated soil and the branches are heavy with water and may break easily… … Tency has been helping with the preparation for the boring of the well, and now that the big rain seems to be over, the equipment may arrive any day with the crew from Pondy… … There is some difficulty with the making of the “vitrail” window in the form of Sri Aurobindo’s star: D.M is concerned with drawing and realising as perfect a thing as can be done with Your help, while she cannot move by herself and cannot see the materials physically and must cope with our reports and descriptions, which are unavoidably biased even with the best of our good-wills… She had asked me to work out all the proportions as per the rules given by the Ashram – by Pavitra I think – and, now that it is ready, she feels that the central square is too large… I can see the arrogance, or rather the false assurance in me, that distorts or may distort the manifestation of something that aspires to express a high perfection; and parts of the complex mechanism that brings it out… but it seems so pointless and worthless: I think she is wrong to entrust me with this work, and yet, deep in me, I also know that it is right that I do this for her and with her… I just am so aware of how impure and unprepared I am… … Ar. is being very unhappy and feeling miserable just now; I know she feels that she needs to be with me in order to progress, and it is cruel that I do not, cannot feel the same… I am myself in need of such a relationship, which would make the way alive, and give it dimension… But I do not find it with her… Then what? If I could be free of all affective yearnings, perhaps I could take the plunge by myself – in You, with You –, having left any expectation, in human terms… I am not there yet, and time passes, and the years go by, and when it will come to be old age and all the lower energy will cease to flow, then there will be no more chance of opening the substance to the Change… This life will have been a waste and an absurdity… And I can’t stand waste; I don’t think anything affects me as much as waste… … I spent the whole evening with D.M in Pondy; she wanted to tell me more of how she feels about my connexion with Diane and my princess Auragni, and about the stone I still wear around my neck (Diane’s only gift ever); she thought she would ask me to give it to her, and she herself would call Diane and return it to her, asking for Your help in the act so that all the hatred in Diane would be dissolved; and that, on my part, I must truly offer Auragni to You, directly and completely… It still surprises me that she can feel so strongly about it all… I sort of dissuaded her to act on this line, mainly because I would not wish to see her so exposed; but I also said that truly I do not know… I gave her the stone. She wants to offer me another one… She also told me she has realised how much she missed being in Auroville; but “Ravena” won’t be ready for another year at least: what to do, then… I offered the house here, though it is not at all equipped for her needs… Mother, what do You see, what do You like? Will You make it clear? *13-11-1985, Auroville: I have prepared the drawings for a smaller Sri Aurobindo’s star… I miss physical work: just supervising, or looking after Samuel, isn’t enough, and I feel clogged and silly… Mother, if You were not there, what could one live for…?