journal d'une transition

585

*3-10-1985, Auroville: One very vivid dream last night, as if from another life: I am with a friend and we are witnessing - and at times trying to help – the defence and defeat of a village fortress, in the olden times; the attacking army is at the end using huge charging animals that look like lamas or camels, with long dark hair; the place is up on a plateau, with high mountains nearby, and the village itself is like a beautiful maze of lanes and work areas, with much sweetness to it… I love my friend and it hurts so much when he too must go, and he leaves me… This was followed, perhaps, by an interesting activity that brought out some old initiatic itineraries, in Corsica, that are somehow connected with the existence of Auroville now… … Nothing went smoothly today: just confusion and delays… And to add a cause of unease, I received a telegram from E.B asking me to pick her up at the airport on Monday: for her to come back to Auroville in her present mental condition would seem like sheer stupidity… but, what do I know? I lack the clear impulse to telegraph her back not to come; so I do nothing… *5-10-1985, Auroville: All that felt real has gone behind the veil, and I am just moving along, in nowhere, emptily moving just because that’s how it is here; one moves, and rides, and pretends… Perhaps You see no possibility in me, and I just have to grope through this shallowness that life will provide… I get upset at myself and at the way of things… This afternoon it happened with Janaka too: the least hint of “spirituality” revolts me now: spirituality is gone, it is a farce, or it is just another miserable way to store one’s experience so that one can build a “higher” persona; but within that, there is nothing, nothing that makes any real difference… You alone have the capacity to make a difference, to realise the world, and to focus it true. And That chooses. And so if none of it is going to take place right here, in what “I” am, then no amount of gymnastics of any kind will alter that fact… There is You and only You…! … I learned today that, despite Satprem’s letter, Coco and Rakhal have decided to leave Auroville… *7-10-1985, Auroville: I feel physically vulnerable; there is an extreme sensitiveness whenever I go out of the area… I am taking more and more distance from an aspect of the experience here that I would call the pathological dimension, as regards the necessary change in our human condition; I cannot stand anymore this display of “flips” crowding onto Your way – including my own “variety”! But I have to acknowledge too that my nervous endurance seems to be deteriorating: there are many energies which, at the least contact, create havoc in my own aggregate… … Ar. has kept me some dinner; she says that she is now worried about M, about her psychological state: M is taking more sedatives, and that cuts her off from her own capacity to respond to the difficulty, while it numbs her pain; G.M is, I am afraid, cornering her into a nasty situation…