journal d'une transition

586

*8-10-1985, Auroville: I have now learned of Shankar’s decision to leave Auroville; perhaps it will make some people happy, but not me: even though I am far from supporting his manner, still, he is a brother; and to leave, at this point, seems to me just another symptom of… as Satprem puts it, our incapacity to start the engine of the ship… … I don’t know… I am afraid not to progress, not to move, not to BECOME: it frightens me, it scares me… *9-10-1985, Auroville: There seems to develop a sort of deepening crisis, at many levels; and it is more and more absorbing; the questions involve more and more of “me”… Time is passing, and I look and look, and I don’t know: I don’t think it is despair anymore – there is too much gratitude for that now; but, what is before one? It is only when the action of the Force makes itself felt, unmistakably and beyond any need for physical proof, that all this questioning ceases…

*10-10-1985, Auroville: Mother. Mother. Mother. Mother.

*11-10-1985, Auroville : Tout le jour je me suis senti si mal, si intensément mal, dans le physique, dans la vie et dans la conscience ; comme l’incarnation d’une impasse : être une impasse… Et il y a ce besoin d’aimer, d’une ouverture pour aimer, d’un support vivant pour apprendre à aimer, à couler dans le monde, avec le monde nouveau… Ce sont des mots : alors que l’expérience est presque insupportable dans son impossibilité. On pourrait hurler ainsi. Et, en fait, il y a comme un espace en arrière, un espace qui est le contrepoids de la condition humaine, où l’on hurle, sans cesse… Et c’est terrible. Il n’y a pas de chemin. Sans Toi, sans la Force, aucune expérience n’a le pouvoir de faire la différence, de révéler un autre Etat, vivant enfin… Et j’ignore, finalement, pourquoi il m’est parfois donné de Te sentir, et parfois cela m’est refusé… *13-10-1985, Auroville: Sunday… Gnanivel came to see me; this was sweet, but it put me late in my cleaning of the house; then E.B came: I am refusing to be her crying place; she has to make it straight, or return to France; she left her passport and ticket with me for safekeeping… … I had planned to go down to Pondy with Barbara; but then Ar. was uneasy about it, Soaz brought me Samuel, who wanted me to stay, G.M came to ask me “permission” to go and wish Shankar’s birthday (!); on and on… I should have paid more attention; but, leaving each to their drama – M to hers, Ar. to hers -, we took off…