journal d'une transition

584

*27-9-1985, Auroville: I have been given a work that consists mainly in watching; it solicits attention and care, but nothing much else… I could surely yoke myself to some creative work as well, by disciplining the daily time so I could paint again, for instance; but it seems to be just a trick, now, an illusion, in the sense that it makes no difference to the capacity to BE when nothing external happens, when no energies – with their own purposes – are invited in or through one: death remains, separateness remains… What I need, what I thirst for is to open to the movement of Your Force, to be drilled by it, so that… Your creation takes place…! But when I begin to feel, to experience something of it – and to hope that it may have a bearing or an intent on this existence -, it dwindles away, and leaves me groping after its trace, fixed in the perimeter of my own limitations; and I am reluctant to go into the currents of habitual, un-offered energies… I don’t know… It is surely Yours to decide, and I can’t complain… It is probably just the ego, part of it, which misses the thrill…! *28-9-1985, Auroville: No news from anywhere, neither from Auroville, nor from inside myself… Have You given up on us, on “me”? Sri Aurobindo says that the psychic being never makes demands and is always surrendered to Thy Will, even if it be that nothing happens, and one must obey an apparently pointless existence…!? *30-9-1985, Auroville: It seems that Your touch is back with me… But in relation to others I am caught between two states, a strange helplessness and sadness, which is quite overwhelming when those others are somehow close to me, as I feel then that I ought to have something to give them, to manifest for them… I often think that perhaps I must only learn to move deeper in it, with more confidence, dropping all pretence at a reasonable and ordinary appearance, un-threatening, because this sadness has also the character of a semi trance state – my ability to speak is very diminished, and to formulate even the simplest statement becomes difficult; I don’t know; I dislike so much, and feel so ashamed, to impose this sadness upon others… And the funny thing about it is that, as soon as I am alone, it changes character and becomes just a silent yearning that borders on a sort of ecstasy, with how tangible the contact is and how intense the yearning… *1-10-1985, Auroville: Is there – is there not – someone on the earth, at this time, whom I can cherish and hold and discover Your way with? I feel so sorry to have nothing to contribute, nothing to offer… Sometimes it seems to me that the right relationship with the one right person would be the key to my living offering, and all the rest would follow… But it’s alright: I am facing the wall, and knocking at Your door; I do not wish to escape. I only pray that this may be a real facing, a real knocking, on the real door! I do not doubt the way, but I doubt myself, my own validity and my own experience…