journal d'une transition

416

Diane wants to attend the follow-up meeting, so we go. There are so many reports, it takes so long… When it is over, Arjun comes to me; he tells me at length of the Coop work, of how it is with Ojha now… I fully appreciate Arjun’s constancy and freedom in our friendship; I am grateful for it and I respect him all the more for it! (I have still this “hang-up”, that I need to feel respect for the people I share this experience with, and too often now it has become hard for me to uphold that respect, seeing all the politics, the dishonesty and the jealousies and the self-justifications…) … Tonight Diane and I are able to meet, with more tenderness than ever before… *13-3-1982, Auroville: G.M and Marcia have decided they need to reorganise their domestic life separately from us. It means that Diane and I, and Krishna along with us, must now face the people who look after the distribution of the food-baskets – and these are some of those who reject us, who reject me. Krishna strongly feels that this cannot go on: either they must come out and openly declare they want me to leave Auroville, or else they must drop this attitude and leave us in peace… At this point I almost don’t care anymore; but, in the relationship with G.M, it pains me… … I have spent part of the morning with D.M; near her and with her I experience more and more something akin to joy; that joy which I have only known in Your physical atmosphere: the joy of a true physical path… *25-3-1982, Auroville: We keep looking forward to the next sure thing to happen, just to give sense, some sense, to the “now” we must live; but then nothing is ever truly experienced; we merely bring forward our same unchanged models, only consenting here and there to some more or less pleasing alterations… We eat time and matter away, instead of becoming…! … We go to the beach; and Diane’s kids are there too, and the people from “Jaïma” accompanying them don’t even let them come to see their mother… till they just break away and run over…! That is sad! Here we are, in this spot upon earth, like grafts that do not take, not growing any more aware of the why and the where to… We are so very privileged, and yet do not find the sense of it… We do not seem to be needing You very much… And if we don’t, who will? *26-3-1982, Auroville: There have been quarrels among the men here, and Krishna holds me responsible for it: he is also upset at the way the water is distributed… It takes quite some attention and calm to work it out and see together a better way… It is Barbara’s birthday; she is beautiful! Diane and I have gone to get a table lamp we had ordered from J’s workshop and we bring it to her…

*3-4-1982, Auroville: