journal d'une transition

415

*3-3-1982, Auroville: There is a near-constant emotional blackmail coming from Diane, and it is not very subtle…! Whenever she judges or feels that I am not present enough in our relationship, or that it doesn’t satisfy me sufficiently, she re-opens to the negative formations and to the possibility of her “moving back”… It has increased in tenor and power as she knows I am preparing for the coming of our child, growing more aware of it as days go by, and more attuned to it… … I cannot be, just and only, a man… I am not built that way… When we do not think of it, of our “roles”, I can then feel our togetherness and the freedom to express it; but it just cannot be exclusive with me… I have never pretended otherwise, nor let anybody thin otherwise, so how can she, now, blame me for it? *5-3-1982, Auroville: There is a kind of anguish at the waste I have caused! How much have I cost, all along! There is a longing to be able to re-live and change the past, to evolve that painful mess, to offer it…

*7-3-1982, Auroville: I feel a great need for time Conscious time Eyes that see

Soul who knows Love that flows…

*8-3-1982, Auroville: We have been in Pondy much of the day.

This evening we learn that Tineke has been savagely beaten by about 15 SAS watchmen and was taken to Jipmer. And that, on the spur of emotion, many of us have gone straight to SSJ’s house in “Certitude” and begun to empty it; that Ojha has intervened and stopped it all; that there has been some further violence between some of us and some of the “neutrals”; and that a full general meeting has been called for tomorrow morning… … There is supposed to be this perfect alignment of 7 or 9 planets – I am not sure which – in two days time… *9-3-1982, Auroville: Despite the ostracism we have been subjected to, we go to the general meeting in “Certitude”… It is decided that people will go to every house of the “neutrals” and ask them all to leave… Police is already stationed to “protect” them… We hear that M.B and Joss have been distributing money in the villages, and even that Navajata himself – it seems such an unlikely event! – has given a speech there…! … Sj (now re-named “Surya”) has decided to leave: I find this distressing…

*10-3-1982, Auroville: