journal d'une transition

414

The Case is dragging on; the SAS lawyers have been given additional time… … Had I been alone, all these days, I could have gone deeper into a state of nakedness, of bare need, like stone and mud, a primary cry and call for That Presence… But one must remain afloat!

*24-2-1982, Auroville: It seems to me that, in this official physical reality, the only relationship that is whole in itself is with material Nature… Between “us” human beings, it’s like we are ensconced in veils and shadows that only let us see fragments of one another, distorted, and force us to use a language that is so clumsy and broken up and slow that it kills all inner directness of gift and recognition… … I have been groping around hints of a name for the child who is coming, and wondering: shall I be able to respond to those needs, shall I be available? When I see how life goes with the kids and “parents” here, I want to run away…!

*25-2-1982, Auroville: The Case has closed yesterday. The Judges are now deliberating.

*26-2-1982, Auroville: For the first time in our group work at “Last School”, Coni offers to dance for us after the class; it is good… Her response to music and her awareness of space seem so familiar to me, to my body, although of course I am so far from her trained physical plasticity… *27-2-1982, Auroville: We have all felt that Petra should now leave Auroville, before she flips, if only for her child’s sake… Amparo has agreed to stay with her in Pondy for the first few days… I take them down… … Diane has gone to “Jaïma” today to see her kids, and Jean has thrown a heavy lot at her, and at our unborn child as well… Is that really necessary? When it could all be just… simple, and we could all be close and friendly…? *28-2-1982, Auroville: This morning Savitra reports to us, at a general meeting, on the Delhi events and the process of the Supreme Court… It is interesting enough for me not to be repelled by this touch of gross vulgarity in Savitra’s ways… … The Fire takes place in the evening at the amphitheatre. Auroville is 14 years old. There is a possibility in the atmosphere, but it is quickly obscured by a rush for food, and the presence of some ugly visitors playing music near the Urn. Diane and I can’t bear it and leave. This Auroville is outwardly not even interesting anymore and, psychologically, so many of the attitudes displayed are so… small! What are we here for, what are we serving?