journal d'une transition

398

… We attend the general meeting. It feels a little… miserable. There seems to be a dominating sense of political compromise now… I can see the roles played by some of us, such as Fred, and I do not envy them! There is irony in this: I had so yearned for the disharmony in my relationship to this community to be healed and resolved, but, today, seeing the trends, I have no inclination whatsoever toward the line being followed and no sympathy for the attitudes expressed… But for Diane it has been useful, for she could understand our withdrawal in a different light; we could only have refused this compromise, we would not have adhered… *24-10-1981, Auroville: Diane feels very uncomfortable in this first stage of pregnancy; she cries often, and complains… We have exercised together this morning, but this afternoon, she does not want to come running and does not want me to go alone either… But I go. And I run a long time, and I run back in the rain, fully drenched but a little more unified… Diane is resentful and will not talk to me… *25-10-1981, Auroville: When I see that Diane, at breakfast, is keeping to that dark mood, I blow! I ask her to sit by my side and to talk. I tell her she cannot go on blaming me all the time; that, to me, the whole experience with her is a gift and I am trying to receive it truly, but I shall not fight in order to keep it if she persists in pressuring and blackmailing me to be different than what I am; that I am willing and grateful to continue with her and to grow with her and the child who is coming, but that I shall not cling to it: she has to know whether this is a gift for her as well, and an opportunity for progress, or not… … I do not know what to do… I feel, in fact, more connected, and more intimately so, to the child… *26-10-1981, Auroville: It has been raining all these days and, but for Barbara yesterday, we haven’t seen anyone since last Thursday… … I am sorry to cause someone to suffer; I don’t know what to do about it… But now, there is the child! … I don’t understand! Why does not the Lord take possession of His substance? What a poor barren hell is this condition of ours! … I sit down to write to Al.B, to ask him to try and break through these strong formations and to reconsider his rejection of Diane and help her instead to feel that she still has her friends and can still work and participate wherever she feels to… I do it with concentration, not yet knowing whether I’ll actually send it… … Marcia comes to see Diane and share with her the news: she too is pregnant, and has dreamt that Diane had come to tell her the same! This indeed is a sweet timing…!

*27-10-1981, Auroville: