journal d'une transition

397

SSJ’s group, who call themselves “Neutrals” now, have filed an affidavit on the side of the SAS, claiming their religious rights to pursue their sadhanas…!

*7-10-1981, Auroville: Sadate was shot dead yesterday. What will be the consequences? … With Diane it has been quietly deepening all these days; we have both felt the need for this period of silence, which requires attention and care…

*14-10-1981, Auroville: We have known for some days that Diane is again pregnant: today we have to talk…

*16-10-1981, Auroville: Diane is moody, physically perturbed, and complaining; I resent it when she is not in harmony with her physical being, and we then enter this vicious circle: I become distant, she feels unloved and unwanted and that in turn prevents her from recovering her balance, and it gets worse… *17-10-1981, Auroville: Diane is seeking a confirmation, a proof of my wanting to live with her, to go on with her: a proof that would be strong enough to overcome and outweigh the pull and pressure of her former life, of her friends’ judgement, of all that is said against me… And I feel helpless, over-conscious of my own shortcomings, of my inability to be wholly gathered into one single relationship, of my incapacity to reach for her effectively… With her pregnancy she needs more than ever a sense of security, of being wanted…

*18-10-1981, Auroville: I ask You, Mother: what is the truth of this? Can we live together? Is it good? I am afraid now, afraid that someone, anyone, may suffer because of me… And this child is coming: this is no joke…!

*21-10-1981, Auroville: We are being subtly banned from the collective life, and unable as yet to reach harmony together… I have had more dreams of the child, and that alone would make me happy, but the sense of impossibility is so strong, so pervasive and so intrusive… … This condition we are in would only begin to make some sense of we could see ourselves only as “transients”… But our – what is the word? – substance? – is so full of social notions, whether “local” or “imported”, so imbibed with models and frames and images of “romance” with ascribed roles…