journal d'une transition

399

While I am resting, this afternoon, suddenly, You appear…! You are smiling, and Your smile is so sweet, with a tinge of tender irony, so very present – and seemingly ignoring whatever it is that obstructs me, my shortcoming and my “lies”, yet knowing, knowing it all, but… divinely knowing, securely, in utter simplicity, without any blame or reproach… *29-10-1981, Auroville: One of the topics at the general meeting today is… Matrimandir and the lack of commitment: not a new topic! But, for once, there is something shared, as if perhaps we were about to value, collectively, the essential importance of Matrimandir… perhaps there is a chance. It is to be the main topic next week. Perhaps Piero will accept to work on the completion of the Inner Chamber as a priority… I saw my past two years of wandering, as the evidence of this step had been denied, as a kind of sinister burden just about to be lifted, and the inner certitude ready to surge again of the imperious necessity for Matrimandir to BE and to radiate… This is the key to the true growth of Auroville and the fulfilment of the one wish You have expressed… Even Diane felt this, for once! … It has always been difficult for me to adjust to the rhythms of this “collective being”; I have tried to be sociable and to accept, and to view my own intolerance as something to offer and to change; I have tried to participate I the other aspects of our life here… And I went down, each time more heavily, and was attacked… I have seen a lot; I hope I have learnt my lessons… But the central thing is still veiled: as long as each of us cannot freely go to the given source of Change, the completed and active Matrimandir, our given focus of growing awareness, and learn to refer all of life to It, we are bound to keep wandering, each and all, and nothing stable can be achieved… *1-11-1981, Auroville: This morning I had to take Ruud down to see the doctor in Pondy, for a deep infection he’s been having. When I return I find that Diane is still closed and brooding, just because yesterday night John H came to see me and she is jealous… We hardly talk for the rest of the day. And this evening it breaks out: she says she better packs up and leaves. She trusts me so little and she keeps opening to that contrary pressure that is still on me, and to provoke me with it…She does it again… I take hold of her and shake her, desperately, shouting to her to stop, please to stop; we both fall onto the floor, crying… And then it is silent, for a long time. At the general meeting on Matrimandir this afternoon, G.M speaks up several times and it is good. He is becoming firmer, and simpler, more confident in the validity of his own experience. Al.B speaks too, and is able to channel a quality of energy that reminds us all of those days when so much was poured on us, concretely, by You! After many years of indifference, even of hostility, Matrimandir is again throbbing in our midst, no longer secluded in the private experience of a few… When Piero speaks, though, his own lack of faith becomes so visible…! We go to bed, quietly… *5-11-1981, Auroville: