journal d'une transition

388

*9-7-1981, Auroville: This morning for the first time I boil milk in the house, with new utensils, on a new stove. I look around at what practical improvements can be made soon: a tap for running water, a shelter over the side entrance, a counter, a stool… … When we ride back from “Dana” tonight, I have sharp pain all along the spine, as if all the nerves were bursting, and I have to lie down… It is difficult for each of us and for both of us together… No progress seems to be made…

*11-7-1981, Auroville: Diane is not feeling well; she isn’t happy. Today we are both sick in the stomach, and dizzy… It seems she only has the strength to move away from both Jean and me and to be on her own… And I feel it best for the time being.

*12-7-1981, Auroville: Diane comes back this afternoon, looking much better and finer; she has put on that dress I like, she feels free rand more present. I have spent most of the day arranging things in the house, waxing and polishing and ordering; and now I cook us a nice dinner… And tonight we meet, quietly and softly; I wish to tune in to that growing life within her womb; we talk a little, and sleep long… *13-7-1981, Auroville: Early this morning when G.M comes, Diane makes the coffee for the 3 of us, and she looks good… Then she has to leave to pick up Aurassi, and I do my exercises. Later, I have to drive down to “Abri” to pay some bills and then to the pottery in “Aspiration”, and I meet Diane there; and she is very depressed, saying we cannot go on; she has received another letter from Jean telling her that, if she moves with me, he will prevent her from seeing the children; and she is caught by it, not realising the nature of this blackmail… Somehow I feel quiet, seeing it as some unsubstantial drama, and I can laugh at it… She almost relaxes for a moment, but then dives back into it, and I see that she is giving it power by giving Jean the “right” to act this way; I see that, despite all she has said, she is still divided… … Barbara comes; she has all along been trying to support Diane as best she could to grow free from all these formations and to trust her own experience… I feel that none of this is mine to claim; that I can only try and prepare myself to live it if it is given me to live. But I can’t help worrying for the child… … I have little esteem for Jean; but by now, anyway, I have seen enough in Auroville… *14-7-1981, Auroville: I am exercising at “Last School”. Flore is there, exercising too. For once I feel to ask her to show me one of the movements she’s been practising. She refuses: I do not belong! I have no love for smallness; not for the one I find in myself in my own nature, not for the one I find in others, least when they are satisfied with it and justify it…